March 26 - April 12, 01.
xxxxxxxxxx
This story is set after Sharp Relief. Normally when I do these stories, I do them based on something disastrous happening and never have a "normal" one where Doug and Carol get through it by talking. So, this one is going to be my version of Sharp Relief/Carter's Choice. The normal things that happened in Carter's Choice, did not happen in this story, such as when Carol yells at Doug in the hallway on the pedes floor or when Carol helps that mentally handicapped couple deliver the baby and Doug comes to tell her he'll wait. None of that happened.
I used a quote from the movie 'The Mexican', so whoever wrote that script, please allow me to use it!
xxxxxxxxxx
Mark and Doug sat in the lounge, drinking coffee. Doug tapped his fingers against the ceramic mug, studying the chip on the top of the cup.
"Doug?" Mark asked.
"Hmm..?" Doug mumbled, not looking up from the cup.
"Do you want to tell me what's eatin' you, buddy?" Mark says. Doug turns and looks at him.
"Nothing, it's nothing." Doug says, forcing a tight smile onto his mouth.
"It's Carol, isn't it?" Mark asks. Doug sighs gruffly and nods, placing his coffee on the table in front of him and staring across the room. "What happened? I knew something was up when you called my house to tell me the plans were cancelled after you had called me a few hours ago, worried sick about Carol." Mark said.
"Well," Doug pauses, "She came home at about midnight. She said she tried to call but I wasn't home. I told her I had waited for her at Deerborne and Clark. She then proceeded to tell me that she had been with the paramedic from her ride along..." Doug's voice rises a notch louder. "She said something about it was one of those times when you hardly know someone and you just start telling them things. Then she told me that she didn't think we were ready, that we were rushing into things. She must've figured out what was at Deerborne and Clark." Doug sighed. Mark patted his back.
"I'm sorry, Doug." Mark starts but Doug holds up a hand, indicating Mark that he wasn't finished.
"Wait, you haven't even heard the best part yet." Doug says. Mark raises his eyebrows and waits. "She then told me that when she was talking to him, things got intense and, she uh, she kissed him." Doug says, looking towards the window at the light snow falling. Mark let out a loud sigh.
"Wow." He said. Doug nodded.
"So I left and went back to my apartment. I took the phone of the hook and poured myself a Scotch, which I have not had in a very, very long time. But I couldn't drink it, Mark. Even though I don't know how this is going to work out, or if it even is, but I couldn't drink it because I knew Carol would disapprove. Even after what she had just stood there and told me, I worried about what she would think if I came home and got myself drunk. So I dumped it down the sink." Doug says, turning to look at Mark.
"God, Doug. Carol..I can't believe that. After everything you, no offense, but after everything you put her through by being unfaithful to her before, she went and did this...." Mark trailed off.
"As if she wanted to punish me back." Doug said, nodding. Mark nodded.
"Wow." He murmured once more.
"I don't know what to do, Mark. For Chrissake, I know I pushed her just like Tag did. I know...now, that she wasn't ready and I feel like an ass for pushing her. But God dammit, Mark, she kissed him. For all I know she could have done more and just not have told me." Mark cuts him off.
"You don't really think she would, do you Doug?" Mark asks. Doug bows his head, rubbing the heel of his hand against his eye.
"I don't know what to believe anymore, Mark. I, no, I don't think she did. But I can't get those images out of my head and I don't even know what the guy looks like. I don't want to know." Doug sighs deeply. They sit in silence for a few minutes before Mark speaks up.
"Doug?" Doug turns to him. "I've got a question." Mark says. Doug nods, turning his head the other direction, to look straight once more. "When you love someone, I mean, really, truly love someone and they you but you just can't seem to get things right........when is enough, enough?" Mark asks. Doug turns, looking at him.
"I wish I knew, Mark. Carol and I are probably already way past that." Mark cuts him off.
"Never." Mark says. Doug stares at him. "Enough is never enough if you truly love that person and they love you back. I know you love Carol like that and we both know Carol loves you like that. Even if it is hard for her to show sometimes." Mark says. Doug turns away from him, pondering his words. Mark stands and makes his way to the door. He goes to open it, but stops and turns back to Doug. "You've got to try and fix it because you're wasting time. Every second you spend this way, is one less second you can spend with her. I know you're hurt Doug, but you've got to make things right before it's too late." Mark says. He nods slightly and turns, opening the door and leaving Doug alone, to think.
xxxxxxxxxx
Doug walked out of the lounge, in search of Carol. He saw her down the hall, standing outside of Trauma One, where he assumed the last elderly rape victim had been brought in. He walked closer to her, taking her in. She was leaning against the wall, her hands buried in her pockets and her eyes closed. She looked exhausted. He resisted the urge to touch her.
"Carol?" He questions softly. Her eyes fly open, more from surprise in hearing his voice then from not knowing he was there.
"Oh...Doug, you scared me." She said, pushing off the wall. He nodded, looking away.
"So, uh, another one, huh?" He asks, looking into the trauma room. She nods, tucking her hair behind her ear.
"Yeah." She said softly, biting her thumbnail slightly. Doug watched her, knowing that it was a habit she had when she was nervous. It sickened him to realize she was nervous because of him.
"When do you get off?" Doug asks.
"In about two hours." Carol says. Doug nods.
"I get off in about 15 minutes. I uh, I really think we should talk." Doug says. Carol nods.
"Okay." She says.
"Um, how about we meet at Lake Michigan Park and go for a walk or something." Doug suggests. She nods.
"That'd be fine." She says.
"You, uh, you know that bench on the corner with the lamp post?" Doug asks. Carol nods.
"Uh huh.
"I'll be there, waiting for you." Doug says. He looks at the watch on her wrist. "What time is it?" He asks, indicating towards it.
"7:15." She says. He nods.
"I'll be there at 9:30 then." Doug says. Carol nods.
"Okay, I'll come as soon as I get off." She says. He nods and smiles slightly.
"Alright, then. I'll see you later." Doug says. Carol nods, swallowing. Doug turns and walks slowly down the hall, his hands tucked into his pockets. Carol sighs and heads off towards the trauma room.
xxxxxxxxxx
Jesus, he wished she would hurry. He was freezing his ass off. He jiggled his legs to try and keep himself warm, just as he heard footsteps. Doug looked up and saw her as she stopped in front of the bench.
"Hi." She says softly. He smiles slightly and stands. He begins walking and she follows, soon coming up beside him but staying a good foot away.
"I, uh, there's some things I need to tell you." Doug says. Carol nods, waiting. Doug sighs softly. "I'm sorry I pushed you." Doug says immediately. Carol turns her head toward him, about to protest but he speaks, cutting her off. "I was so caught up in making you...my wife, that I didn't realize I was doing the exact same thing that John Tagleri had done." Carol swallows, knowing that he had hit the nail on the head. That was exactly how she had felt. Locked in. "I regret ever getting myself into the position to even be compared to Tag in that way." Doug sighs and stops, grabbing her hand to turn her to face him. "I'm going to give you all the time you need." He drops her hand. "Because I think I'm going to need some time myself, now." Carol bows her head, ashamed. "You hurt me. I'm afraid I deserved it, but, still it hurt to know you kissed another man when I was so hopelessly in love with you." Doug shakes his head slightly, staring at her. "It's not really about the kiss completely, I mean, it is, but that's not it. It hurts to know that you can't trust me and that I am the reason you can't trust me. It hurts to know that you are not ready to marry me, when I am...ready to marry you. Or, I was." Carol looks up, her eyes wide. "I was planning on taking you and get married tonight, with Mark as one of the witnesses." Carol gasps slightly. "But it took this, to realize neither of us are ready to be bound together that way, at least for now." Carol's eyes fill with tears.
"Doug, I...I'm sorry, I didn't know." She says.
"If you did, would it have really mattered?" Doug asks, raising his eyebrows. "You still wouldn't have been ready and then you would grow to hate me." Doug says. Carol shakes her head, reaching for him.
"I couldn't hate you." She says. He lets her touch his cheek, but no more. He smiles slightly.
"Someone intelligent, much more intelligent than me, asked me a question today. I've been thinking about it all day. He asked me this. When two people love each other, truly love each other, but just can't seem to get things right, when is enough, enough?" Doug asks. Carol eyes widen and her hand drops to her side, thinking he is going to break up with her. He reaches for her hand, gripping it reassuringly. "The right answer is never, Carol. Enough is never enough. And I believe it." Doug says. A tear slips from Carol's eye and down her cheek. Doug sighs gruffly, hating to see her cry. "That same person told me that I was wasting time being upset with you. He said that every second I spent being angry, was a lost second I could have spent being with you." Doug squeezes her hand. "I forgive you, Carol. But, I still think that I need some time. Just some distance for a few days." He cupped her cold cheek in his surprisingly warm hand. "I love you." He says and kisses her gently, reclaiming her lips as his own. "I just can't stay with you tonight. We can go to our separate places for tonight. Just call me when you get home so I know you made it okay." Doug says. Carol nods.
"Okay." She says. He smiles, the first real smile in a few days. "We're going to be okay, Carol." Doug says. She nods.
"I love you." She says. He nods, smiling still.
"I know." He says, kissing her softly again. He pulls away, still holding her hand. "Call me when you get home." He says and turns, slipping away from her as he walks down the sidewalk. She watches him, until she cannot see him anymore before turning and going the other direction.
xxxxxxxxxx
Carol walked into the house, slipping off her shoes and coat and headed straight for the phone. She grabbed it and dashed into her bedroom. She slid under the covers in her clothes, trying to warm up as she dialed his number with stiff fingers.
"Hello?" She heard him answer through the phone.
"Hey." She said softly, smiling.
"You made it." He says. She nods.
"Yeah. I practically ran the whole way it was so cold." Carol says.
"Sorry." Doug replies. She grins.
"Ah, it's okay. I needed the exercise." She says. He chuckles warmly and she smiles, basking in the sound of it. "Well, I just wanted to call and tell you I was home so you didn't worry." Carol says. He nods.
"Thanks. So, uh, I guess I'll see you at work tomorrow." He says. She nods.
"Yeah." She replies. "I love you." She says, hoping to please him by saying it before him. He grins.
"I love you too." He says. She smiles widely, knowing he was glad she had said it first.
"Goodnight Doug." She said.
"Sweet dreams." He whispered then hung up. She smiled and hung up the phone. She hopped out of bed and changed quickly into her pajamas before crawling back into bed.
xxxxxxxxxx
Doug lay awake, his arms underneath his head as he stared up at the ceiling. Maybe going to separate houses was a stupid idea. He had already slept without her one night and it was nearly killing him to be doing it again, especially under the circumstances. It felt just like when he had to go to California when his father died. He needed the feel of her warm body snuggled against his chest. He sighed and turned onto his stomach, willing dreams to come carry him away, hoping maybe she would be there.
Carol lay curled on her side, staring out the window. She missed the feel of his warm, strong arms wrapped around her and protecting her. God, it was lonely in this bed without him. Why did he have to suggest they go home to separate houses? She turned over and looked at his side of the bed, one arm reaching out to the feel the coolness of the sheets where his body had not occupied for two nights. She sighed and scooted over, burying her face into his pillow, finally smelling his manly scent. She pulled the pillow towards her and wrapped her body around it, hoping for sleep to come so she could see him in the morning.
xxxxxxxxxx
Sleep was not coming as she had hoped. She sighed and rolled over, her back facing the door as she looked at the alarm clock on her side. 1:43 a.m. it read. She sighed and burrowed further under the covers when she heard a noise coming from the living room. She froze, her eyes widening in alarm. Oh God. She slowly, quietly turned towards the door, pulling the covers up to her chin. Someone was in the house, she had heard the door close. Footsteps were descending towards the room. Carol bit back a scream when she heard the footsteps slow in front of her bedroom door. Her breath hitched in her chest, as she tried not to move.
"Carol?" A soft voice whispered. Oh God, she was okay.
"Doug?" She asked in reply. He moved into the room. "Oh God, Doug. I was scared out of my mind." Carol says, pushing herself up in the bed.
"I'm sorry, Carol." Doug said, sliding out of his coat. He dropped it on the ground, kicking his shoes off. "I couldn't stay there. I hope you don't mind."
"No, no. Doug...c'mere." Carol said, reaching over and pulling the covers down for him. He slid into the bed and she giggled.
"You don't even have jeans on." She said quietly. He chuckled softly.
"I was in a hurry." He said.
"I couldn't sleep." She said.
"Me neither." Doug replied, scooting closer to her.
"I never sleep well without you." Carol said. He nodded.
"It felt like I was in California all over again." Doug said. She smiled and took his hand into hers, as she scooted closer to him.
"Doug..I'm sorry for hurting you." Carol murmured, reaching out with her free hand to touch his cheek.
"I know. I'm sorry for pushing you." Doug replied softly.
"I know." She said, punctuating her sentence with a sigh. She leaned forward, pressing her lips against his gently, softly, hoping to express her emotions through physical contact. She had planned for the kiss to be sweet and gentle, but soon enough the passion overtook them. Doug pressed her back, her curls spilling out on the pillow behind her. This time, he framed her face in his hands and kissed her, deeply, hoping to convey his own feelings through physical contact. Her hands fluttered over him, touching, but leaving as soon as they arrived, moving to a different part of his body. She murmured incoherently under his lips and he smiled softly, his lips still pressed to hers, knowing he was finally home. He'd have to thank Mark later.
xxxxxxxxxx