March 25-May 13th, 2003
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Takes place around December of season 6, which would be about 1999. But there are no twins. I'm just.....this is going to sound a bit brutal, but I'm sort of sick of writing about the twins. For this story it's necessary to have a baby involved, but I just don't want the twins. So instead Carol had just one little girl, and I would name her Tess, but it's hard to have a Tess without a Kate, so I'm going to change her name.
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Doug walked along the sidewalk, his hands buried in his pockets and his jacket secure around him to fight off the cold Chicago winds. He watched his feet as they trod along the concrete, kicking small pebbles out of the way. He finally reached his destination of the lake and stopped, looking up to take it all in. He watched the wind blow gently through the trees, stirring the bare branches lazily. It was December, so there was a bunch of snow on the ground, and the lake was covered in ice. He was freezing, but he loved it.
He had only been in Seattle for about ten months, but he had hated every second. He hated the weather, he hated the hospital, he hated not being with Carol. He hated that the most. So he had returned to Chicago, but he hadn't returned to her. He knew where to find her, he had made sure she was still at County. But he hadn't seen her. Hadn't dared to, not yet. He had already driven past her house once, but none of the lights had been on. Her car had been parked out front, so he assumed she had been sleeping. They had only spoken twice since he left Chicago and the second time she had asked him not to call her for awhile because she couldn't handle it, she needed her space. So he hadn't called her, not since then. He loved her enough to respect her wishes. For once. Now that he was gone. Now that they were separated.
Doug took a deep breath, filling his lungs with icy, refreshing air, not thick humid air like Seattle had. He had hated all the rain. He had felt like it would never stop.
He wondered what Carol was doing. God, his mind just wouldn't let her go. He wondered if she was forgetting him. He shook his head, shaking that thought away. Thinking that way would only drive him further from his sanity. She loved him, she had to. Even if they were far apart, even if she was still angry because he left. He stood, staring out at the lake, staring at the place he loved so much and wished he had the woman he loved standing beside him.
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Doug sat in a booth at Doc Magoo's, partially hidden from the door, but sitting by the window so he could look out and watch the hospital, the ER. Earlier he had driven by Carol's house again and hadn't seen her car, so he had assumed she was at work. She never used to take her car to work, but then he had spotted it parked a short walk away from the hospital, so he knew she was there. He didn't know why she took her car now, but he barely even wondered about it, just chalking it up to the cold weather.
He had seen quite a few of his old co-workers coming and going from the hospital, paying no attention to him. Mark and Kerry, two of the people partially responsible for his leaving. Although he couldn't really blame them. He never had liked Kerry, and Mark was his brother. They hadn't talked since he had left, but Doug had long since forgiven him. Doug knew he had to take responsibility for his actions, even if at the time he had tried to lay blame on Mark. Doug had also seen a few people he didn't know, like a skinny black woman that hadn't been there before. He wondered if she had taken his place.
Doug wondered if someone would come in and recognize him, but so far no one had. He lifted his cup to his mouth, swallowed the last of his coffee, placed a bill on the table and walked out. He stared at the hospital for a few seconds, wishing things had never changed. When he saw Carter come out he turned his head and walked away quickly, not wanting to be spotted.
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Doug started his first day of work at the private practice he had gotten a new job at. It was the very first day and he hated it. He didn't hate it as much as Seattle, though, because just knowing he was in Chicago, knowing Carol was in the same city, the same state as him made everything better.
His day brightened a little when he had to treat a little girl with bouncing brown curls. She had a bad cold, but despite it she was still quite a spirited child. She grinned at Doug, and he was charmed by her, barely noticing her mother. He was enthralled by the girl's curls, wondering what a little girl of his and Carol's would look like. Possibly similar. He went home feeling a little more alive yet a little more depressed.
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A few days later Doug sat guiltily in his parked car. He hadn't worked that day, and so he had been driving around aimlessly, thinking about Carol. Earlier he had seen her parked car, recognizing the color and the license plate, but hadn't gotten close enough to see inside. He knew she was at work, and he knew how her shifts used to go. So he was sitting, parked four cars behind hers, waiting for her to get off her shift at 7 PM. He hoped she would get off then, like she used to. He had been in Chicago for two weeks and had yet to see her. And he wanted to see her, if even from a distance. He needed to.
At about 7:13 he saw her finally, coming around the corner. She was bundled in her coat, hurrying towards her car. His breath caught in his throat. He couldn't see her very well because of the darkness, but he didn't really need to. He knew every inch of her face, of her body. She was still so beautiful, still Carol. She checked the road quickly to make sure no cars were coming and then she walked onto the street, coming around to the driver's side. She began to unlock her door, and he watched her, his heart pounding wildly in his throat. She was so beautiful. The light from the street lamp shined down and cast a orange-ish glow off her hair. God, he loved her.
She slid into the car and started it. He watched her pull out, and was nearly too numb to remember to put his own car into drive. He checked his windows quickly, waited for a car to pass, and then pulled out, watching her over the other car. When she turned the opposite direction of her house, his brow furrowed. He turned the same direction as her, and then no cars were between them. He kept a safe distance from her, not wanting her to realize he was following her, virtually stalking her. And he realized she was going to Helen's house. He ran a hand over his hair and slowed down, watching her pull off to the side of the street way ahead of him. He watched her get out of the car, wondering why she was going to Helen's, before he drove past slowly, curiously. She had already disappeared inside. Then he shook his head.
"So, she's going to her mother's house. Big deal." He muttered. "You're such an ass."
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Doug watched Carol for the next week, feeling guilty about it. He only actually saw her a few more times, usually when she was leaving work. He followed her every night to her mother's house, becoming more curious by the day. The first time she went to Helen's after her shift, he had found it slightly odd. Now that he had seen her go there every night after her shift that he watched her, he was downright curious. He had convinced himself that maybe Helen was sick. And then he wondered if Carol would need him. And then he remembered that she had survived for ten months on her own, without him. He sighed and rolled over in his bed, stuffing his face into his pillow, trying to forget her, forget them. She probably barely thinks of me, he thought to himself and groaned.
And how wrong he was. At that exact moment Carol was sitting in her bed, leaning against the back bed frame as she stared down at the tiny three-week-old baby she was breastfeeding. Every time she looked at the baby with her head full of dark hair and her big brown sleepy eyes she thought of him.
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The next night Doug drove down to the grocery store, needing to stock up for another week. He went into the store and shopped for a few minutes before turning down the canned foods aisle and stopping dead in his tracks. Carol was ahead of him, still in her pink scrubs, with her back completely towards him as she pushed a shopping cart along. He moved backwards, making sure he wasn't within her sight. He took a deep breath and then peeked his head around the corner. She pushed the cart a little further and then stopped.
When she moved to the side, to study the shelves, his heart stopped. There, in the cart, was a baby carrier. And inside the carrier, was a baby. A small sleeping baby with a head full of dark brown hair.
"Oh God." He said, staring. Luckily Carol didn't notice him. Doug stared at the child, confused. Heartbroken. Carol moved and began pushing the car again, blocking Doug's view of the baby. He stumbled, turning around. He left his own cart where it was, not caring. He walked numbly out of the store, to his car. He got in and managed to drive himself home, not thinking, cold and numb all over. The word baby kept running through his head. His stomach hurt. He thought he might vomit.
He pulled up in front of his apartment complex and shut the car off. Then he leaned his head against the steering wheel and closed his eyes.
"God, no, no, no, no! This cannot be fuckin' happening!" He exclaimed and sat upright, slamming his hand against the dashboard. "Fuck!" He leaned back, closing his eyes as he rested his head on the seat. "How could this happen..." He trailed off, not sure what to do with himself. His entire world had just changed. He had missed everything. Oh God. He sighed gruffly, running his hands over his face. Then he leaned forward and started his car. He needed a drink.
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Doug returned home later that night and made his way into the apartment. He had gone to one of his old hang outs and had only had one beer. He had gotten hit on by a woman who had entirely too much make-up on, and he realized that turning into his old self wouldn't help anything. So once he had finished the first beer he had left and just drove around, trying to calm himself.
He sank into the couch, drained. He lay back on the couch, shoes and all, and threw his arm over his eyes. He barely slept at all that night.
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The next day Doug went to work and decided to wait until the next day, when he had a day off, to do anything about the situation. First he had to figure out what he wanted to do before he actually did it. All he did know was that he couldn't wait much longer. That baby had been born and raised for however long without him and he didn't want to draw that out any longer than he had to.
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Doug had thought about what he was going to do all night, so when he got up in the morning, he drove past the parking spot where Carol normally parked. Her car was there, as usual. So he drove to a restaurant to get some breakfast. He got a booth in the back, ordered his eggs, and then picked up his cell phone. He dialed the number to their, no, her house and waited until he heard Carol's voice come on the answering machine. She had changed the message to exclude him and it made his heart clench. Then he began to speak.
"Hi Carol, it's Doug." He cleared his throat. "I um, I really need to talk to you. It's important. You must be at work, so um, just call me when you get off. My number is," He rattled off his phone number, "It's the number to my cell. Please call, Carol, please. We need to talk." He hung up and stared down at the phone, his mouth dry. Then he tucked the phone away and waited on his breakfast.
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Carol got home from her mother's house and brought the baby into the house. She was sleeping soundly in her carrier, so Carol placed her on the floor in the living room and headed into the kitchen to check the phone. She got a glass of water out of the fridge and turned to the answering machine. Two messages.
The first message was a receptionist at the doctor's office calling to confirm an appointment she and the baby had coming up. When the second message began, Carol's mouth went dry and her heart pounded. Doug. She listened to his message and nerves fluttered in her stomach. What was so important that he must talk to her about? Had something happened? Oh God. She lifted a hand to her mouth, pressing her fingers against her lips. Then her other hand pressed the button on the phone and she replayed his message, listening to his voice. She closed her eyes and let it wash over her. It was the most refreshing, and most terrifying sound she had heard in a long time. As soon as his voice clicked off, the baby began to wail, as if she had sensed her father's presence in their home.
Carol rushed into the living room and bent down, picking her daughter up and patting her back. She cradled her close, letting the baby snuggle in. Once she was settled, she quit crying. Carol sat on the couch and then she herself began to cry, rubbing the baby's back gently as tears spilled out of her eyes and landed on the blanket wrapped around the baby.
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About an hour later, Carol had gotten the baby settled so she went back downstairs. She went into the kitchen and listened to his voice once more and copied down the phone number for his cell. Then she went into the living room and sat down. She placed the paper and the phone in front of her, and stared at them. She leaned forward, burying her face into her hands. She rubbed her hands up and down her face and sighed. A few minutes later she picked up the phone and dialed the number with a burst of courage. She placed the phone to her ear and thought she might throw up.
"Hello?" Doug asked, knowing it was her. His own heart was pounding hard in his chest.
"Doug." Was all she said.
"Hello, Carol." He said softly.
"How are you?" Carol asked, unsure of what else to say.
"I'm...okay, I guess." He said. "How about yourself?"
"Good, good." She said, and her mind raced, wondering.
"Carol...?" He asked.
"Yes?" She replied.
"I'm back...I'm...in Chicago." He said. Oh God, she thought.
"What, why?" She asked. He paused, clearing his throat.
"I got a job at Dr. Klein's private practice." He said. "As a pedes doc."
"Oh...Uhh.." Carol was shocked. She didn't know what to say. She only knew to panic.
"I want to meet up with you, Carol." No, no, she thought.
"Doug, I..."
"Listen, Carol, we need to talk." He said. "It's important."
"I can't..I.."
"Tonight." He said.
"Tonight?" She squeaked, repeating him.
"Yes." He said.
"I can't, I have, uh, I can't." She said, not knowing how to tell him about the baby. She couldn't take her to her mom's, not right now. Her mom would want to know, she would ask questions.
"Carol..." He paused. "Carol, I know." He knew? About the baby? How? Questions raced through her mind.
"What?" Was all she asked.
"I know, Carol." He repeated.
"You do?" She asked, her throat tight with emotion.
"Mm." He murmured.
"How?" She asked.
"I saw you." He said.
"Where?" She asked. He sighed gruffly.
"Two night's ago, at the grocery store." He said.
"Oh my God." She said.
"Carol, please, let me come over. Please."
"No, Doug, I can't do this." She said.
"Carol, we have to. We can't avoid this. I need to talk to you, face to face." He said. She began to really panic.
"Doug, you don't understand, I'm....I..." She felt tears running down her face. She had no excuses.
"Listen, Carol," He was getting angry. Her words were hurting him. "Push aside your feelings of hatred for me for a moment, and think about the situation here." She closed her eyes tightly, wishing this would all go away. She didn't hate him. "We have a child." He paused and her heart clenched. "I am not going to let this one slip through my fingers, too." He said, begging her softly now.
"Alright, Doug, you can come." She said.
"Thank God, thank you, Carol. Thank you." He said. "I'll be over in fifteen minutes, okay?" He asked.
"Okay." She said softly.
"Bye Carol." They hung up and he moved swiftly, needing to be there, needing to be in that house as soon as he could. She hung up slowly and then stood, making her way up the stairs. She checked on the baby, lingering, watching. Wondering what would happen. She sighed, rubbed the baby's tummy gently, and walked down the hall to wait nervously.
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Carol heard a soft knock on the door, knowing it was Doug. She went to the door and stood, one hand on the doorknob, and the other hand on the door. She took a deep breath and leaned her forehead against the door for a second to gather her strength. Then she opened it.
He stood on the other side, and they stared at each other for a few seconds, drinking up the sight of each other. Carol finally came to her senses and pulled the door open.
"You can come in." She murmured. He stepped through, and stared at her.
"Thank you for letting me come." He said. She nodded.
"Here, let me have your coat." She said. He slid out of it, and handed it to her, watching her the whole time. She walked to the couch, and draped it over the back. Then she turned to stare at him again. They watched each other silently.
"Carol.." He started. Then stopped.
"Would you like to see her?"
"Her?" He asked and she nodded. He closed his eyes for a minute, all the energy seeping out of his body for a moment. "Oh God." He said and rubbed his hands over his face. "What's her name?" Doug asked.
"Sarah." Carol said softly.
"Oh, Carol." Doug said and swallowed hard. Carol dipped her head down bashfully.
"Even though you were gone, I wanted to give her a sense of family." She said.
"Thank you. My mother will be thrilled." He said. Carol swallowed. "What's her middle name?"
"Her full name is Sarah Riley Ross." Tears formed in Doug's eyes, so he ducked his head so she wouldn't see. But she knew.
"Carol, you..." He stopped, afraid his tears would come. He took a moment to compose himself. "I don't know what to say." He said.
"She's in my room." Carol said quietly. Doug looked up and followed Carol as she walked down the short hallway. Doug stopped in the doorway to stare at the crib placed beside Carol's bed. "I, uh, I thought this would be easier on both of us." Carol said, referring to the baby. "If I didn't have to run all the way up the stairs, and she didn't have to cry for long, I thought maybe things would be easier."
"You're right." Doug said and walked slowly to the crib. "How does she sleep?" He asked and stopped by the crib, before he couldn't see the baby.
"She does good. Wakes up every few hours like the doctor said she probably would." Carol said softly. He just nodded. Carol watched him, waiting. He took a deep shuddering breath and then he stepped forward. Carol watched him as he stared down at the baby, silently.
All he could think was how beautiful she was, as she lay there sleeping soundly. One little fist was peeking out from under the purple cover, and her dark hair was lying softly against her head.
"Oh God." He managed to say, and he closed his eyes just briefly.
"You can hold her." Carol said. He turned and glanced at her, almost having forgotten she was there. He nodded then and turned back to the baby. Carol came up beside him, and he didn't move. She bent down, pulling the blanket away from Sarah. Then Carol expertly tucked a hand under her head, and one under her diapered bottom, and lifted her close. The baby shifted, but didn't wake. Carol cradled her close, and looked up at Doug. He stared at Carol for a second, then looked down at the baby. Carol scooted closer, and handed Sarah over. The brush of their arms had pleasure running through Doug, but he was concentrating hard on the baby. Carol was confident that he would be fine with her, but despite the fact Doug took care of babies for a living, he was still scared he might bobble this one. When he took the baby fully in his arms, he stared.
Then he made his way slowly to the bed, and sank on to it, staring down at her the entire time.
"She's gorgeous." He said, glancing up at Carol. Carol smiled.
"She has my hair, but you'd be shocked when she opens those eyes." Doug looked up at her again. Carol smiled some more. "She has the biggest brown eyes you've ever seen." Carol paused. "Just like her daddy." Doug looked down at Sarah.
"She's so small." He said. Carol nodded.
"Only 6 pounds, 3 ounces, and 19 inches when she was born. We have a check-up next week to see how much weight she has gained."
"I wouldn't guess very much." He said. She smiled.
"Yeah, she's my itty bitty girl." Carol said affectionately. Doug sighed gruffly, and traced a finger over Sarah's cheek.
"I hate the fact that I missed it." He said softly. Carol swallowed.
"I'm sorry, Doug." Doug looked up, and shook his head.
"No, I don't blame you. What happened here was my fault, and then I ran. I could have been here. It's my fault. I won't let you take the blame, not anymore." He said. Carol sighed, and her shoulders slumped a bit. Now that he had apologized, she wasn't sure what to say. She sat beside him on the bed, keeping a few inches between them. "I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you." Doug said. Carol nodded.
"Accepted." She said softly.
"I have to stay in Chicago, now, Carol. I have to stay for her." Doug said. For her, not for me, Carol thought. Then she sighed. She wanted what was best for her daughter, a father. Still it hurt when he didn't include her in his reason for staying. She nodded.
"I think I would hate you if you left and didn't see her now that you know." Carol said softly. He nodded.
"I'd never be able to do that, Carol." Doug said softly. Carol nodded.
"I know." Or I'd never have been able to love you, she thought to herself.
"With...With my first. That was different."
"Doug, I know that. You know you don't have to argue that to me." She said. He nodded a bit, staring down at Sarah still.
"I know." He said softly. They sat in silence for a bit longer. Finally Doug sighed, knowing he had to go. "I should go. But, Carol, I really want to see her, see you." Doug said, and glanced up. Carol bent her head slightly. Then she nodded.
"Of course you can see her." She said. But not you, Doug thought. Then Carol got an idea.
"Do you work Saturday?" Carol asked. Doug shook his head no. "I do, and I was going to take Sarah to my mom's house. But if you'd like, you can keep her for the day, when I'm at work." Doug stared at Carol.
"Really?" He asked. She laughed a little.
"She's a baby, Doug. You take care of them every day. It's no different."
"I, except, she's......mine." He said softly, staring down at the baby snuggled in his arms.
"Yes, she is. But she's still just a baby."
"Okay, I want to." Doug said.
"You'll be fine, Doug." Carol said. He nodded.
"Alright." He stood gently, trying not to rock the baby. She didn't wake. He walked to the crib, and placed her inside softly, with just a bit of regret. He tucked the covers around her carefully, and Carol stood, watching him gaze at her in amazement. She sighed a bit, and tucked her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. Seeing that look on his face made her regret that she never told him. Even if she had wanted to protect herself. They walked quietly out of the room together, and went to stand in the living room, by the front door.
"Look, Carol." He started.
"Doug." She said.
"No, just let me....Let me say something." He said. She nodded, giving him permission. "I know that....things have been shit for us. So many times. I know that it's been my fault the majority of those times. I don't expect you to forgive me, for any of it." He paused. "But I came back for you. I came back because I hated it there, and because I missed home. I missed you." She didn't say anything. "I don't expect to be taken back. I don't expect forgiveness, or your love. I just wanted you to know that I came back for you. Not for a job, not for Sarah, but for you." He paused and stepped over to the couch, and gathered up his coat. He slid his arms into it, and took in all of her beauty. "I just wanted you to know that." She cleared her throat, and finally glanced up at him.
"Thank you." She said, and wouldn't let the tears fall. Not yet. He nodded.
"As for Saturday, why don't you just call my cell to arrange plans. You have my number, right?" He asked. She nodded. "Good." He paused. "Goodbye, Carol." He said and kissed her cheek quickly. Then he opened the door. She walked to it, and held it open, watching him leave. When she closed the door behind him, she walked to the couch and sat down, staring down at her hands. After a few moments, the tears began to fall quietly. When the baby began to cry a half hour later, Carol walked to the bedroom to take solace in their child.
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Early Saturday morning Doug opened the door to Carol holding a baby bag and the baby carrier which held Sarah. Doug laughed a bit, and took the shoulder bag from her. She grinned at him.
"It's an armful." She said. He nodded.
"I can tell." He smiled down at the carrier to see a knitted yellow blanket covering Sarah's whole body. "Come in from the cold." He said. Carol stepped in and he shut the door of his apartment. She looked around, and placed the baby on the floor. Doug immediately bent down and uncovered Sarah. She was staring up at him and he gasped a little. Carol looked down.
"Her eyes." He said and looked up at Carol. She laughed a little.
"They're yours." She said. He nodded.
"Oh, you're beautiful." Doug said and grinned at the little hat on her head. "Let me get this off you." He slipped her hat off and grinned at her head full of hair. "Look at that." Carol laughed, and watched him lift Sarah from the carrier.
"She's always wide awake at this time of the morning. She just woke up." Carol said. Doug laughed, holding Sarah out in front of him, she stared back quietly, seemingly studying him in return. He laughed, and brought her close. "I know I already told you everything you need to know." Carol said. "But here's a list, just in case." He chuckled.
"Now who doesn't have faith?" He asked. She laughed.
"I've left her with my mother for nearly a month. I think I can leave her with you, especially since you're also a pediatrician, along with being her father." He chuckled. "I just want to make sure. I'm a mother." He grinned and glanced down at the baby. She was still staring up at him.
"Not to sure, yet, are you?" He asked. Carol smiled.
"She's good with people she hasn't gotten to know just yet. She's too young to get scared."
"Alright." He smiled and nuzzled the baby. She closed her eyes when he got to close, and he chuckled. "Okay, you better go, or you're going to be late for work." Carol smiled and kissed the baby's forehead softly. Doug's throat constricted when Carol's curls brushed against his arm. Carol didn't notice. She pulled back and smiled.
"Have fun kids." She said. He grinned.
"We'll be fine."
"I know." She smiled at him. "Alright, I'm leaving." She said. He grinned and held open the door for her. "I'll be back by 7:30."
"Okay." He said.
"Goodbye, Doug."
"Bye, Carol." He watched her walk down the hall, and then he closed the door behind her so Sarah wouldn't get cold. He looked down at her, and she was still staring up at him. "We're going to have all kinds of fun." He said. "You'll get to know me soon enough." He said and rubbed a finger over her soft cheek. "I'm not going anywhere."
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Just before 7:30 PM, Carol knocked on Doug's door. He opened it and smiled tiredly. She laughed.
"Look at you. You're exhausted." She said. He chuckled and ushered her in.
"Well, I was up all night worrying about today, and then today came. I didn't realize taking care of a baby full time was that difficult, especially a baby less than a month old who seems to sleep all day." Carol smiled.
"It's tough." She said. Doug nodded.
"I'm sorry you had to do it alone." He said. She shrugged it off.
"It wasn't a big deal, really. You get used to it." She said.
"Still." Doug said.
"So, where is she?" Carol asked. Doug lead her around to the couch, and Carol smiled at the baby all tucked up in the corner of the couch, fast asleep.
"She's been out for about an hour, and I was lying down with her." Doug said. Carol smiled and brushed a hand gently over Sarah's forehead.
"Looks like she's out." She paused. "For awhile anyway."
"Carol, I.....I didn't really want to do this tonight. I wanted to give it some time. But I've been thinking a lot today, with Sarah here, and I just.....We need to talk." He said. Carol nodded.
"I know." She said.
"Let's go into the kitchen." Doug said, and motioned to the kitchen, which was right by the living room. They went in, and Doug poured them some drinks. They sat down at the small table, and he drank a little bit, and then placed his glass on the table. He wrapped his big hands around it, and stared at it for a moment. Carol watched him, waiting. He looked up at her finally.
"I don't want to lie to you. So I'm going to be truthful from the start." He said. She nodded. "I want you back, Carol." She still didn't reply. "I know that I've fucked up so many times, but I've never....I've never loved anybody but you." He paused. "And that means everything to me. I don't expect you to ever take me back, after all this. I've messed up too many times. But I wanted to tell you that, because you need to know everything from the start."
"I don't know what to do, Doug." Carol said. Doug nodded. She bent her head. "You've hurt me so many times."
"I know." He said softly. She slid her hands down into her lap, and glanced up at him.
"Why did you leave?" She asked. "I asked you not to go, and yet, you still left. You said you loved me, you say you love me, yet you left me." She swallowed hard, swallowing the lump in her throat. She didn't want to cry. "We were trying to start a family, Doug. We were engaged. You still left." He sighed gruffly, wanting to touch her, but she was sitting away from him.
"I left because of everything snowballing. What happened with Ricky....I can't take that back, I honestly wouldn't." Carol shook her head, agreeing with him. "But what I did was against the rules. What I did was disobey the hospital rules. I was in trouble with everyone, Carol. Nobody really wanted me there anymore, not even Mark."
"That's not true." Carol said. Doug nodded.
"Mark and I talked right before I left, and he was happy I was going. I didn't even have to ask him that. He was still like a brother to me, but he didn't want me there."
"It's different now, Doug."
"Maybe he has changed his mind, but the fact is, they didn't want me there. Not then. Not Kerry, Romano, Anspaugh, Mark, or you."
"Doug, you can't believe that." She said honestly, staring him straight in the eye.
"For a little while you didn't want me there. I lost your clinic, I was ruining everything at the hospital."
"I took part in what we did because I wanted to. I asked you to help me! I lost my clinic, you didn't. I'm the one that asked you to get the machine." She said. He shrugged.
"It's all the same. If I hadn't been there, it wouldn't have happened." He paused, and she just watched him, not sure what to think. "So, basically, I couldn't work there anymore. Nobody wanted me, and I know when I'm not wanted. I didn't want to work somewhere where my co-workers would hate me."
"Oh, Doug, they don't hate you."
"They hated the way I practiced medicine. That's the same thing as saying they hated me." Carol sighed.
"So why did you move clear across the country? Why did you have to leave me, too?" She asked.
"When I thought about going to Seattle, it was really just a thought. Just an idea to get away. But you automatically, and completely decided you would not go with me. That just made me want to actually leave." He said. She looked down. "You weren't the only one hurt when I left, Carol."
"I know." She said softly.
"I didn't want to go, not really. But once you refused, I knew I had to leave. I regret it now, but then it felt like the right thing to do." He paused. "You rejected me. I thought....I thought that you would stand by me, and agree with me."
"I did, Doug."
"No, Carol, you didn't. You came outside and told me that I was self-centered. 'Narcissism elevated to a high art.'" Carol vaguely remembered saying that, but she hadn't realized what an impact it had had on him.
"I was pissed because you hadn't told me. You hadn't thought to involve me!" She said.
"Because I didn't want you to get hurt!" He said. "And that's what happened, but it wasn't how it was meant to happen. I did it all on my own, because I didn't want you to lose your clinic, to lose your job. I may have fucked it over in the end, but my intentions were good."
"I would have understood that, but you wouldn't let me in."
"I told you, I was trying to protect you."
"And look how it turned out." She said.
"I know that, Carol. That's why I left. Because I fucked up everybody's life! I lost your clinic, I almost hurt Mark and Kerry's careers. I lost my own job."
"You quit."
"Yeah, but do you really think I would have been there much longer?" He asked.
"Things would have settled down eventually."
"And I would have had to suffer through that." Their argument stopped abruptly. They stared at each other, breathing a bit heavily. Carol looked away first. "I could have just quit County, and worked somewhere else. I could have got the job at Dr. Klein's practice back then. But you wouldn't even consider going with me if I left. That hurt me, Carol, more than anything. So I ran away, like always." He paused. "You know that's what I do in self-defense. I run. That may make me a child, or a chicken. And I thought I was over running. But that was because I had you by my side. When you refused to stay by my side, I ran, because the one person whose support I needed the most, was not offering it."
"Doug." She said, and her voice hitched. She blinked at the tears. He sighed gruffly and buried his face in his hands.
"This really isn't how I wanted to talk." He said. A tear slipped out of her cheek, but she wiped it away quickly, before he could see. He paused and then lifted his head. "I honestly don't blame you for what happened. I blame myself for leaving. And I knew I was sick of running, Carol. That's why I ran back. And like I said, I don't expect anything from you." Carol nodded. Just then the baby began to cry. Carol looked toward the living room, and then she stood quickly and went in to the living room. Doug followed at a slower pace as Carol picked the baby up and crooned to her. Once Sarah was settled against a warm body, she quieted down, but Carol knew she'd be getting hungry again soon.
"I think I need to get her home." Carol said. Doug merely nodded. "I uh...I want to finish this conversation later." She said. After I've had some time to think about it, she thought silently.
"Alright." He said. They began to gather the baby's things up, and soon she was all ready to go. Doug kissed Sarah's cheek gently, and opened the door for Carol. She paused, and looked at him.
"I'll call you soon." She said. He nodded.
"Alright." She began to walk out. "Wait, Carol." She turned. "Have you told anybody I was back?" He asked. She shook her head.
"Nobody at the hospital." She said. He nodded.
"Just wondering." She stared at him for a moment.
"Goodbye, Doug."
"Bye." He said, and watched her turn to leave again. He closed the door and sighed, slumping against it. "Good going, asshole."
--////////-oooooo-\\\\\\\\--
"Carol?" Mark asked, coming up to her at work. She jumped a little and turned to him. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."
"Oh, it's okay." She smiled a bit. "Do you need something?" She asked.
"I was wondering if you'd come help me with a patient." He said.
"Sure." She said, and smiled.
"Carol, has something been bothering you? You seem a little distracted lately?" He said. She looked at him, and knew she had to tell somebody.
"Maybe we could go in the lounge for a bit." She said. He tilted his head a bit, and then nodded.
"Sure." He said. They walked into the lounge, and she turned to him.
"So." She paused. "Doug's back." Mark's jaw dropped.
"He's what?"
"He got a job at Dr. Klein's private practice, and he had been back for a few days, but he didn't tell me. Then the other day he saw me at the grocery store with Sarah."
"So he knows?" Mark asked. Carol nodded.
"He babysat her all day yesterday."
"Oh, really? How'd that go?" Mark asked. Carol grinned.
"He was fine, just a little tired." Mark chuckled. "And he wasn't really upset with me. We did have a conversation about things last night, though."
"And?" Mark asked. Carol shrugged.
"We got a lot of things out in the open, but I don't know if it really helped anything." Carol said. "We really don't know what to do. He wants me back, but I don't know how I feel."
"Do you think you want him back?"
"I don't know, Mark. I mean, how many times do we have to go through this?" Carol said. Mark nodded.
"I know what you mean." He said.
"I'm just so tired. Thinking about him keeps me up all night, and I still don't reach any conclusions." She paused. "He's hurt me, but he's still Doug. He's still the man I'll always love, but I don't know if I can take him back in my life that way."
"That's understandable. You just need to think it through some more." Mark said. Carol nodded.
"Yep." She took a deep breath. "Glad to get that out." Mark smiled.
"Good."
"So, where's the patient?"
--////////-oooooo-\\\\\\\\--
The next day Carol didn't have to work, so she and Sarah stayed home together, curled up lazily all day. Carol knew she should get some housework done or something, but she just needed some rest. She was too tired to do much. Carol fell asleep on the couch, holding Sarah on her chest.
Carol woke up two hours later, finding it amazing that Sarah hadn't woken up first. Carol sat up slowly, shifting the baby in her arms to turn her over. Sarah was still sleeping, but Carol realized that she felt awfully hot. Carol lay the back of her hand against Sarah's cheek and felt the heat waving off her daughter. Carol's heart began to pound. She had wondered earlier why Sarah had been so sleepy all day, but had pushed it aside as normal behavior. Now she wished she hadn't ignored it. Carol tried to keep her heart steady as she got up and went into the kitchen find the thermometer. She stuck it in Sarah's ear and waited anxiously to read the temperature. Sarah's temperature was high, but not dangerously so. Still, Carol began to panic. She walked to her phone and picked it up, quickly dialing Doug's number which she had already memorized. He picked up the phone a few minutes later.
"Doug, thank God." She said.
"Carol, what is it?" He asked. She looked down at the baby. Sarah was beginning to wake, probably from Carol moving so much.
"I think Sarah's sick."
"What?" He asked.
"She..Her temperature is high."
"How high?" He asked, and Carol repeated it.
"That's not too bad, but I'll be over in a few minutes, okay Carol?" Sarah began to whimper. Carol's heart clenched.
"Doug, please hurry." She said, and he could hear the anxiety in Carol's voice.
"I'll be right there." He said and clicked off the phone. Just as Carol hung up the phone, Sarah began to cry.
--////////-oooooo-\\\\\\\\--
By the time Doug got to the house, Sarah was still crying. Carol had tried everything to get Sarah to settle down, but she still wouldn't stop crying. She wouldn't even eat.
Doug came hurrying into the house, and he touched Carol's arm gently as she tried bouncing Sarah. Carol had panic in her eyes.
"It's okay, Carol, let me see." He said. Carol turned Sarah around, and tucked her in to her arm so Doug could look. The baby's face was scrunched up and red from all the crying. She continued to wail.
"Shh, shh, baby, it's okay." Doug murmured, and passed his hands over her. He began to check her over in that gentle way he had. He took Sarah from Carol softly, and the baby automatically began to settle down. Doug wasn't as panicked, and the baby felt the calmness and began to herself. Carol watched over them, fretting. Within a few minutes Doug had her settled down, and nearly asleep.
"There we go." He murmured. "She's fine, Carol, she'll be okay. She just needs lots of sleep and some baby Tylenol." He said, just as Sarah dropped in to sleep. Doug looked up at Carol, and saw the tears shining in her eyes. "Aw, Carol." He said and her face crumpled. She lifted her hands to her face and began to cry. "C'mere." Doug murmured, and wrapped his free arm around Carol. She leaned in to him, still mindful of the baby, and dug her face into Doug's shoulder. He shushed her, much like he had the baby, and held her close to him. It didn't take long for Carol to calm down. Doug kissed her forehead gently, and then her cheek. Carol couldn't help but turn her head into those lips, and she met his gently with her own. They kissed for only a few seconds, but it didn't take long for the flood of longing to rush into both of them. Carol pulled back, wary. He ran a gentle hand through her hair, and then stepped away.
"There's some baby Tylenol in my coat pocket. Why don't you get that out, and then go make her a bottle. Crush it up and put it inside of it, and I'll wake her for a little meal." He said. Carol nodded and gathered the medicine out of the coat. She went in to the kitchen, and Doug stood in the living room, watching the baby as she slept.
When Carol was warming the bottle up, she looked in to see Doug staring down at Sarah. He was rocking back and forth slowly, and he reached up with one hand to rub his index finger over the baby's downy eyebrow. Carol saw the small, crooked smile come to his face, and she grinned herself, feeling her heart turn over in her chest. It was then she realized that no matter how much hell they had gone through, he was always there when she needed him. She had failed him, by not being there when he needed her. She loved him, and there was nothing else that really mattered.
Nearly an hour later, when Sarah was all settled in to her crib, Carol and Doug headed back to the living room. Carol sat on the couch and patted the seat beside her. Doug sat down and leaned back, smiling softly.
"She's fine, Carol." He said.
"I know." She smiled. They sat in silence for a few moments. "I love you, Doug." She said. He glanced at her and then closed his eyes for a moment, nodding.
"I needed to hear that." He said. She smiled and reached over, squeezing his hand.
"I'd like to try yet again." She said. He smiled and kissed her hand.
"We'll go slow this time." He said. She nodded, grateful. "I promise I won't ever leave you again, Carol. I love you."
"I love you, too." She said. He leaned over and kissed her gently on the lips.
"I better go." He said when he pulled away. She nodded, knowing everything would be fine this time. She was finally sure. After all the hell they had been through, she knew they were both ready for forever. Finally.
--////////-oooooo-\\\\\\\\--