February 1st, 2002-February 25th, 2003.
<.<.<.<.<.<.<
This takes place almost a year after the last chapter. I'm going to say that George and Julianna got married in between the chapters, so I don't have to write about it, because that isn't what this is supposed to be all about.
>.>.>.>.>.>.>
George lay on his back, his arms under his head as he stared at the dark ceiling. He and Julianna had gone to bed nearly two hours ago, but he was still lying awake thinking.
In one week it would be the one year anniversary of Andrew's death. George kept seeing the scene of Andrew's birth in his head and he couldn't fall asleep.
George slowly turned on his side to stare at Julianna. She was sleeping facing him, one hand under her head and the other curled against her chest. She was breathing evenly, obviously deeply asleep. George wished he could join her.
He was worried about her. Lately she had become just a little distant from him and he knew it had everything to do with the anniversary of their son's death. Julianna still blamed herself, and he knew she always would, although he wished she didn't. He didn't blame her. He knew it wasn't her fault. He just wished he could find a way to show her that.
Julianna still hadn't budged on her decision to have more children. Of course he had only brought it up one more time and that was after their marriage. She had quickly brushed him off and they hadn't spoken about it since. But George knew it was time to talk to her about it, seriously, once more. He was ready for those children. He had finally, not stopped grieving, but gotten over his son's death. He knew he was ready to give it another go. He just hoped he could find a way to convince her of that, also.
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"Jules?" George asked as he came up behind her in the kitchen the next day as she was fixing dinner. She turned and looked at him.
"Yeah?" She asked.
"We need to talk." He said. She cocked her head to the side and held up the fork in her hand.
"Right now? I'm in the middle of dinner." She said. He looked around her and saw that she was merely letting the porkchops sizzle and that she didn't have to watch them that closely.
"The baked potatoes are in the oven and the salad is done. The porkchops are doing their job and cooking. Why can't I talk to you for a few minutes?" He asked. She sighed and crossed her arms, the fork still in hand.
"Fine. Talk." She said. He sighed, wishing he had went about this a different way. She obviously wasn't in the best of moods.
"It's important." He said.
"I can see that." She replied sassily. He nearly grinned. Whenever she was angry it amused him and he still wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because she got so beautiful and her eyes flashed. But he knew better than to grin, especially when she had a fork in hand, so he held it back. Then he got serious.
"I know that you're having a bad week." Julianna raised an eyebrow. "Because of...because of Andrew's.....birthday." Julianna looked down at that. It wasn't his birthday, she thought, it was his deathday. Then she silently scolded herself for thinking something so awful and swallowed the tears that were threatening to build up. She looked back up at George, composed again.
"Aren't you?" She asked. George ticked his head to the side a bit and nodded.
"Of course I am, but we can't grieve like this forever. I know we will have bad days sometimes when we think of him. But we need to move on with our lives." George said.
"What do you mean?" Julianna asked. "We have moved on. We're married now...We're doing okay. What else is there to do?"
"Maybe we should try and get pregnant again." George said. Julianna's eyes widened. She thought he had given up on this awhile ago. She turned around and began to flip the porkchops with the fork.
"I thought we discussed this." She said.
"Months ago." He replied.
"Yeah, well I thought I got it across to you. I am not having anymore children." She said and turned around to face him. "Ever."
"Jules.."
"No." She held up a hand. "I've told you before and I'll tell you one more time. I am not having anymore children. If you want them so desperately, you're going to have to find another woman who will be willing and I am sure there are plenty!" She said heatedly.
"Don't you care how I feel about all of this?" He yelled in reply. "Don't you care if I want children? Doesn't that matter to you at all? When you wanted a baby, I agreed because I loved you that much. Even though I wasn't really sure what kind of a father I would be, I still agreed. And then I fell in love with our child." He paused and continued on quieter. "But I gave you what you wanted because I loved you so much. And it hurts me when you won't even consider having another baby, when you won't even think it over for me." He said.
"Don't you think I've thought it over? I've agonized over it. I've lost many nights of sleep over it. Don't tell me what I haven't done!" She said. She threw the fork in the sink and stormed out of the room. He sighed and bowed his head before rubbing his hand over his face in frustration.
"Damnit." He muttered and leaned against the counter. Suddenly the sounds in the kitchen caught up with him. He heard the sizzling on the burner and turned to find that the porkchops were finished. He grabbed another fork and a plate out of the cabinet and began to place the porkchops on the plate. Then he grabbed another plate and went to the oven to take the baked potatoes out.
George slowly began to set the table, taking his time so Julianna could cool off a bit. He got everything ready for their dinner before he made his way upstairs to go find her. He walked into their room and saw her curled in a ball on their bed in the dim light. She was facing away from him, so he wasn't sure if she had heard him come in. He walked to the bed, making noise so she would know he was there. Then he reached over and flipped the lamp on.
"Jules." He said and sat on the bed beside her back. He reached over and touched her shoulder. She sniffled and he watched as she wiped her face. He bowed his head, realizing he had made her cry. "I'm sorry." He murmured. "I know I..I know my words hurt you. All I can say is I wish, sometimes, that I would think before I speak. You didn't deserve for me to yell at you the way I did." He sighed. Then he took hold of her and gently rolled her onto her back so she would look up at him. She did and he noticed the glimmer of tears still shining in her eyes. He bent over her and wiped her wet cheek with his thumb. "I know that you feel like you could never have more children." He said softly. "And maybe you will always feel that way. Or maybe someday you'll change your mind. But if not, I'll deal with that. I can be happy with you, without children. But it's something I've always wanted with you. I want to share that with you." He paused. "But if you can't, if you honestly never can....I'll be okay with that. I just don't want us to miss out on something amazing because of our grief over Andrew." He said. She sighed.
"I'm sorry." She said, her voice a little husky. He smiled gently. "I know how badly you want a child. I remember how I felt before I was pregnant with Andrew." She paused. "But I don't know if I can do it. I honestly don't know if I could care for a child, knowing my first baby is dead." She hiccuped a bit. "If I had a baby, I don't know how much I could actually do. I know I wouldn't be cheating Andrew, but I'd be cheating the new baby if I didn't love it as much, couldn't care for it as much as I could Andrew." He nodded.
"I understand but I think if you actually gave it a try, you would see how easy it would be for you. You could love another baby. You could care for another baby. But if you don't think you can, I'll stop pressuring you." He said. She smiled and reached up to touch his cheek.
"Our baby would have been one-year-old in six days." She said, tears filling her eyes again. George slid down to wrap his arms around her as he looked into her eyes. "He would be walking a little bit. And talking some. He might have said Dada or Mama by now." She said as the first tear slipped down her cheek.
"I know, baby, I know." George murmured and brushed his mouth over her cheek.
"George." She said and clutched his shirt.
"C'mon. We're going to go eat dinner and we'll think happy thoughts. C'mon, Jules." He said and got out of the bed, helping her to her feet. She leaned into him a bit and he led her downstairs to their supper.
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Two days later Julianna lay in bed alone. George had left for work the night before, needing to put a few finishing touches on his latest project. He had promised to be back the next day. He wasn't going to leave her alone for the....the day. Julianna studied the ceiling, although there wasn't anything for her to see except a big white ocean of nothing. She sighed and sat up in bed, determined to do something instead of lie there all day.
Just as she sat up, a feeling of nausea rushed up her throat and she jumped out of bed and made her way to the bathroom. She dropped to the floor beside the toilet and emptied her stomach. She groaned as she sat back and dropped her head to her knees.
"What the hell?" She muttered and rested there for a moment. When she felt like her stomach was settled, she slowly made her way to her feet. Just as she got there, it dawned on her. She was three days late for her period.
She was never late.
All the color drained out of Julianna's face as she realized she may be pregnant. Quickly she turned back to the toilet and emptied her stomach once more. When she was finished, she slumped to the floor.
"Oh God. No, please, don't do this to me." She said and rested her cheek against the cool tile floor. "I can't be pregnant. Please. No."
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Later that afternoon, Julianna sat out on the patio, wrapped in a blanket. She knew she wouldn't tell George of her suspicions. It could be that she had just come down with the stomach flu and she was just late for her period. She would wait and see. It was nothing.
Nothing, she repeated. Nothing.
>.>.>.>.>.>.>
On the eve of the anniversary of Andrew's death, Julianna lie in bed beside George, holding hands with him. They just lie there silently, not making a sound, not talking to each other. Just grieving together in silence.
"George?" Julianna finally broke the silence.
"Hm?" He murmured in his throat.
"Do you remember what his birth was like?" She asked quietly.
"Of course." George replied, equally as quiet.
"I just keep remembering the look on the doctor's face and when I looked at you, you were so pale." She whispered, as if she didn't quite believe that it had happened to her.
"I saw the baby's face. It was so blue." He murmured. "I couldn't think straight. I couldn't understand what was going on at first." He paused. "And then I knew. I just knew. Our baby was dead." George said. She nodded.
"I was the last to know." She replied quietly. He turned to her, unsure what to say. Finally after a moment of thought, he spoke.
"You would have been a wonderful mother." He said. She turned her head away from him and looked at the ceiling. She stayed quiet for nearly a minute before finally her face just crumpled and the tears immediately started. She's finally let the floodgates open, he thought.
"Jules." He murmured and she turned to him, to curl herself into a ball. He wrapped his arms around her as she sobbed into his chest. He thought she was crying for Andrew, and she was, but she was mostly crying because of his comment that she would have been a wonderful mother. She was going to be a mother again, she was nearly positive.
If only she knew what to do.
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Later that night, Julianna slowly slid out from George's embrace. He had fallen asleep nearly an hour ago, but she was still awake. She didn't think she'd ever get to sleep ever again. She looked at the clock; 2:13 AM it read. She got out of bed carefully, not wanting to wake George. She needed to do this by herself.
She quietly crept into the bathroom and shut the door gently behind her. Then she flipped on the light and sighed. Julianna forced her feet to move across the tile until she stood in front of the cabinets. Then she gave her knees the orders on how to bend and she bent down until she was crouching back on her heels. Slowly she opened up the doors on the cabinet and reached inside for the home pregnancy test she had bought earlier that day but hadn't been brave enough to take until now.
She figured now, on the anniversary of her first child's death, was the perfect time to find out if she was going to have the second child that George so badly wanted and she so badly feared. She sat, staring at the package, still unsure if she should do it or if she should continue on ignoring the inevitable. Finally with a heave of a sigh, she straightened and made her way to the toilet.
Quickly she peed on the stick before she set it on the counter to wait the required three minutes for the results to show. She sat on the edge of the bathtub and wrapped her arms around her. She began to rock slowly as her stomach churned with nerves.
Oh God, what would she do if she was pregnant? How could she go through with this? Having another child was not something she was prepared to do. She knew it would make George immensely happy and only wished she could feel the same.
She sat rocking herself for longer than she thought. She looked up at the counter where she had laid the test. She couldn't see the answer, so she slowly, slowly stood up and squeezed her eyes tightly shut at the exact same time. She walked forward and reached blindly for the counter. She gripped the edges as she stood.
Maybe she could avoid it all, maybe if she just threw it away and went back to bed. Nobody would have to know. No, she thought, no, no, you have to find out. You can't avoid it this way, you coward! She thought to herself.
Finally she began opening her eyes, slowly, cautiously and looked at the test. She gulped in a big breath of air and sat back down hard onto the bathtub.
Blue. The line was blue. She was pregnant.
"Oh God." Julianna murmured and slid onto the floor. She wrapped her arms tightly around her and buried her face into her drawn up knees. "Oh God." She repeated.
How would she do this? What if...Dear God, what if she lost another baby? She would never be able to survive if that happened. She'd barely survive having this child. Oh God, oh God, she thought over and over. She couldn't lose this child but at the same time she couldn't raise it either.
"What am I going to do?" She moaned quietly and sat there silently for the next few minutes, wondering how and why and everything else.
Suddenly the door to the bathroom opened and she gasped as she lifted her head.
"George, no." She said. She didn't want him to find out like this. She wanted time before she had to tell him.
"What are you doing?" He asked, looking at her, confusion filling him when she told him no. His heart was thudding in his chest as he remembered the time he had found her in here, frightened that she had taken those pills. Quickly he looked at the counter, expecting to see dozens of bottles of pills. Instead he only saw a small stick that looked a bit like a thermometer. "What the...?" He walked quickly to it and picked it up. The blue line stared up at him and George's heartbeat began to pick up pace.
Was she? He wondered. He looked at her quickly. "Jules?" He questioned. She didn't say anything, only stared at him with her deep gaze and remained silent. So he began searching for the box on the counter. He didn't see it so he looked in the trashcan frantically and caught sight of the cardboard. He quickly lifted it out of the trash and turned it over to see what blue meant.
Blue. Positive. Pregnant. Oh God.
He quickly turned to her, holding both items in his hands.
"You're pregnant?" He asked. She stared up at him for a moment before she finally nodded.
"Yes." She whispered. Happiness spilled throughout George like warm shimmering gold. He could barely contain his grin of pleasure. George wanted to shout it out from a rooftop, but he knew she wouldn't be dealing with this as well as he was. Slowly he placed the pregnancy test back onto the counter before he crouched down beside her and took her shoulders into his hands. He rubbed them gently.
"You okay?" He asked. She nodded.
"I think so." She said. He nodded and sat on his butt. He spread his legs and pulled her closer to him.
"Will you talk to me?" He asked. She nodded a bit and looked down before she brought her eyes back up to meet his.
"Four days ago I woke up and I vomited. I wondered what was wrong with me because I hadn't felt sick before then and I felt fine afterwards. Then suddenly I realized I was three days late for my period. I tried to pretend that I wasn't pregnant and everything was okay, but today I bought the test to make sure and I just now got up the nerve to find out."
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked quietly. She shrugged.
"I didn't want to get your hopes up and I also wanted my own time to decide what I was going to do." She sighed and looked at him. "Can you understand that I am not dealing well with this?"
"Of course." He said and smiled a bit.
"Can I tell you something?" She asked quietly.
"Yeah."
"I am scared to death of losing another baby. Even if I don't lose this one while I am pregnant, what if when it is two months old it dies? Or, or when it's five years old? Or even sixteen? I couldn't stand to raise a child, wondering every single second of every single day if that child was going to die." She said.
"I'm sure all mothers are scared of that. You're not going to be any different." He said. "Hell, even I'm scared of that."
"But I couldn't lose two babies, George. I'd be devastated. I'd die right along with it." She said. He sighed and took her face into his hands.
"I hope you wouldn't." He said. "But I can understand why you are thinking this way."
"Or what if the baby turns out fine but for some reason I just can't take care of it. What if I am a horrible mother?"
"Every parent in the entire world who cares even a little about their child thinks that. Every single one!" He exclaimed.
"But this is different." She said. "Because it's me. I don't think I can raise a child when I am all the time worried about if they will ever go away again. I couldn't stand that, George, I couldn't." She said and tears filled her eyes once more. He sighed and took her face into his hands.
"But you're pregnant and there's no backing out now." He said. She looked down and nodded a bit.
"I know. I just..I'm so scared, George." She said. He pulled her face down into his shoulder and wrapped his arms around her. She cried silently into his shirt, holding on to him tightly, not wanting to let go. She was scared, so unsure of how she could survive it happening again. She knew it was her fault. Everyone told her it wasn't, but she knew, deep down that it was her fault. And she couldn't bare to lose another baby. She'd never ever live through it again. There was too much pain involved in that. "What if...What if our child died and I wasn't there? What if they were dying and I wasn't there to protect them. What if it was my fault?" She cried into his t-shirt. "What if it was my fault..again?" George rubbed her back and sighed.
"I know you don't believe me. I know you will never believe me. But it wasn't your fault that Andrew died. It was nobody's fault. Even the doctor said so. And if another child of ours died, whether inside of you or out, whether it was not even full-term yet or if it was sixteen years old, it would never be your fault if it died."
"I can't..." She sobbed. "I can't believe..that, George."
"I know. I know that something inside of you won't let you believe that, but it's the truth. And you have to trust me, to love me enough to know that I wouldn't lie to you." He murmured quietly against her ear. She snuggled closer, still crying, but she thought hard about what he said. She knew he wouldn't lie to her, but that didn't mean he was right. That might be what he believed, but that didn't mean it was correct.
"I know you wouldn't lie to me." She whispered quietly into his shoulder.
"Than do you believe me?" He asked. She shuddered and hiccuped into his shoulder, but remained silent. He sighed wearily. "Jules, I know it's the truth. You may not believe that it's the truth, but it is. Losing Andrew was not your fault. It wasn't your fault, or my fault, or the doctor's fault, or Andrew's fault. It was nobody's fault." George pressed his lips gently against her forehead. "I wish you'd get that through your thick skull." He teased lightly. "I know that it's causing you a lot of agony, and so I wish you'd realize that it wasn't your fault."
"You try to tell me time and time again that it isn't my fault. I really wish I could believe you." She paused and lifted her head a bit, but continued to lean on him. "But there will always be something in my mind, in the back of my head, telling me that it was my fault. I don't think I'll ever get rid of that." She said quietly. He slid his hand into her hair and began to comb it with his fingers gently.
"Maybe, maybe not. But I hope you realize someday that it's not." He paused and moved his hands around to cup her cheeks and lift her head toward his. He looked her straight in the eyes. "But this time around, nothing will happen. I don't want to promise you, but I have a feeling, in my gut, that this baby is going to grow into a beautiful human being and we will die before it will." He said and grinned slightly. She smiled a bit and reached up to wipe her face. "Of course we'll be old and ugly by then." He said and chuckled. She giggled a bit and he kissed her lips. Then he settled back to look at her once more. "But I will not let you go through this pregnancy in a depression. You're going to love this baby and cherish this baby just as much as you do Andrew. Alright?" He said. She nodded and smiled a bit.
"I know." She murmured.
"Good." He said. "Now, c'mon, let's go back to bed." He murmured and stood. He bent over her, seemingly to help her up, but instead he drew her up into his arms. She laughed, slightly shocked, and wrapped her arms around his neck. He carried her into the bedroom after turning off the bathroom light and laid her on the bed. He crawled in beside her and slid over her so his face was near her belly. He lay his cheek on her stomach and smiled. She ran her fingers through his hair as more tears gathered in her eyes and a lump formed in her throat. She could remember several other times when he had done that exact same thing as she had grown during her last pregnancy. George looked up at her and smiled, noticing the tears in her eyes.
"I'll always miss what we could have had with Andrew, but this new baby will let us experience what it could be like and I'll always be thankful for that." Julianna nodded and tried hard to swallow the lump in her throat. George slid up her body and stroked her cheek with his finger. "I love you." He murmured. She smiled.
"I know. I love you too." She replied. "Always." He smiled softly.
"Do you remember what we did the night you told me you were pregnant with Andrew?" He asked. She nodded a bit, a sly smile reaching her lips.
"Yes, I remember. Well." She said. He chuckled.
"Well, you're about to experience that again." He said.
"Really?" She asked and raised her eyebrows. He chuckled and slid over her.
"Oh yeah!" He exclaimed and kissed her enthustiastically. She giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck, deciding not to let him go for hours to come.
>.>.>.>.>.>.>
"I'm pregnant." Julianna said to her doctor as she and George sat in the examining room. "Again."
"That's good news." Dr. Hirsch said, half stating and half questioning. Julianna glanced quickly at George and he squeezed her hand gently. Then Julianna nodded.
"Yes, it is." She said and met the doctor's gaze head on. She smiled.
"Do you know how far along you are?" Dr. Hirsch asked.
"Not really." Julianna replied. Dr. Hirsch nodded.
"When was your last period?" She asked.
"One month ago. I'm one week late exactly." Julianna replied. Dr. Hirsch nodded.
"Well, we can get an ultrasound, but I'm not sure if it'll tell us anything. The baby will probably be too small. So, it's up to you if you want one, or if you want to wait." Dr. Hirsch looked at them. They looked at each other before Julianna smiled softly.
"I think we'll wait." She said. George grinned, relieved that she felt she would be okay without seeing the baby now, to make sure it was okay. Improvement, he thought.
"Alright."
"The main reason we came today was because of my last pregnancy. Will the...the fact that our first son was stillborn affect this child?"
"That depends." Dr. Hirsch replied gently, and her answer made Julianna's stomach roll. "I don't think it should, because your first child died because the cord had been around it's neck for too long. We knew why it died. There's probably not a chance that there is some medical problem that is causing this, it just happened by....well, chance. So I don't think you have anything to worry about."
"But why did I go into labor early?" Julianna asked. "I was two months early."
"Well, that could be from a different number of reasons. You could have been stressed out, or...well, sometimes babies just want out of there. There's a lot of reasons it could have happened, but it didn't have anything to do with something being wrong with you. So really, you shouldn't worry. I have every reason to believe that this child will be perfectly healthy, as will you. But just as a precaution, we'll schedule more appointments this time around, just to be sure." Julianna nodded, relieved to hear that.
"I'd like that." She said. Dr. Hirsch nodded.
"Alright. Well, schedule your next appointment in four weeks and we'll do an ultrasound then, okay? And we can also discuss when I want your next appointment to be after that. Sound good?" She asked.
"Great." Julianna said with a smile. Dr. Hirsch nodded.
"Alright, I'll let you change." She said and walked out, chart in hand. George and Julianna turned to each other.
"See, everything's going to be just fine." George said.
"For now." Julianna replied softly. He smiled gently and kissed her.
"You'll see.
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Four weeks later, Julianna and George sat back in the same examining room once more, holding hands. Julianna was lying on the table, dressed in a gown. Dr. Hirsch walked into, carrying Julianna's chart.
"Hello." She said. They smiled.
"Hi." They both replied.
"Good news." Dr. Hirsch said.
"What's that?" Julianna asked.
"You get to see your baby today." She said. Julianna and George grinned.
"Yay." Julianna said and the three of them smiled.
"Are you ready?" Dr. Hirsch said. They nodded. She began setting everything up. Finally, the moment Julianna and George had been waiting for began as Dr. Hirsch turned the machine on and placed the paddle on Julianna's stomach. "There's the baby." Dr. Hirsch said and pointed. You can make out the head, and look, little legs and arms." She said and pointed. Julianna and George stared at the screen in awe. Tears filled Julianna's eyes but she struggled to make them leave. "Looks to be about eight weeks along. Healthy. It's too soon to hear the heart beat just yet. Maybe in about three to four weeks you'll be able to." Dr. Hirsch said. George leaned his cheek against Julianna's as they watched the screen avidly. Dr. Hirsch smiled at them.
"Look at it's big head." George said and made Julianna giggled. She reached up with her free hand and touched his other cheek as they stared.
"It's our new baby." She said softly. He smiled and turned to her. They kissed softly before looking back at the screen. Dr. Hirsch let them bask in the moment for a little bit longer.
>.>.>.>.>.>.>
"George, I don't feel good." Julianna said later that night.
"What's wrong, darling?" He asked and brushed his hand down her cheek.
"I just feel nauseas." She said. He smiled.
"Well, we're going to have to fix that." He said.
"How?" She asked. He smiled.
"Come on." He said and scooped her up into his arms.
"Where are we going?" She asked.
"To lie down on the couch." He said and carried her from the kitchen and into the living room.
"Okay." She said and rested her head against his shoulder. He lay down on the couch and pulled her up against his side.
"Talk to me." He said.
"About what?" She asked.
"Anything." He said. She sighed and snuggled closer.
"The baby." She said. He chuckled.
"Good choice. What do you want to talk about?" He asked.
"Do you want another boy or a girl?" She asked.
"I don't mind. A girl would be nice, but if we had a boy we'd get to find out everything we missed." He said. She nodded. "What about you?"
"I don't care. Maybe....a girl. If I had another boy just yet I think it might make it harder." She said. George nodded, understanding.
"Yeah. I see your point." He shrugged a bit. "I guess I don't care because I see the advantages either way." Julianna nodded and leaned her head against his chest.
"I'm sorry." She said quietly.
"For what?" He asked.
"For everything. For...the way I treated you when you said you wanted another baby. For the way I acted after I found out about being pregnant again."
"Hey, you don't need to apologize." George said and reached down to lift her chin with his fingers so she was facing him. "I know that things were rough on you, on both of us. So you don't need to apologize for the way you felt."
"But I acted like a total bitch." Julianna said.
"With reason." George said and smiled.
"George." She said with a sigh. He immediately became serious again.
"Look Jules, I said you don't need to apologize. I can see that you feel bad for it and I understand. I know what you were going through, hell I was right there with you. It just took you a little big longer to realize that having another child isn't a horrible thought. It might be scary, yes, we both know that, but you don't need to apologize to me for being scared. I love you enough to understand that." Julianna smiled slightly then.
"I'm glad you understand me, better than I understand myself sometimes." She said. He smiled back at her and brushed his lips against hers.
"Anytime." He murmured.
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