May 29 - June 1, 2004
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Set in the summer between Season 3 and Season 4, but probably closer to Season 4, so Doug and Carol are just back together, and this is all the good stuff we didn't get to see on television!!
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Carol walked into the house, shaking the raindrops off of her coat. She ran her hands through her hair and knew it was a lost cause. The dampness was going to turn her hair into a huge frizzy mass and there wasn't much she could do about it. She sighed and shrugged her coat off her shoulders, hanging it on the hook by the door. She slid her feet out of her wet shoes and wondered where Doug was. He had left work an hour earlier than she had, and she knew he was probably home by now. She had told him just to go to her house after work and she would meet him there. They weren't living together at the moment, but he did spend the night quite a lot, and he had clothes at her house. It was just something that had happened over the summer.
She walked into the kitchen and still didn't see him. She didn't raise her voice to try and locate him, figuring he was in the shower, or possibly even asleep. She went to the refrigerator and pulled out a pitcher of purified water. She took a glass out of the cupboard and poured a small amount of water into it. She sipped on it, and stared at the kitchen window, shaking her head at the rain pouring down outside.
Carol smiled to herself, wondering if she could persuade Doug to cozy up with her in front of the fireplace so they could make love to the sound of the fire crackling and the rain on the roof. It was nice having him back in her life, she decided. It had taken her awhile to make the adjustment, but it had worked out nicely. He was a new man now and she was growing quite accustomed to it, to the new him. She took another drink of water and smiled again. She knew it wouldn't take much persuading to get him in front of the fireplace. She placed her glass into the sink and turned, heading up the stairs to try and find him.
She walked down the hall toward her bedroom, noticing the light was off. She didn't hear the sound of the water running in the bathroom, so she wondered if he was sleeping. She turned the corner and walked quietly into the room, not wanting to disturb him in his sleep.
Carol definitely wasn't expecting to find Doug standing in front of the window with his hands tucked into his pockets, staring out into the rain.
"Doug?" she asked. He turned and glanced at her.
"Hey Carol," he said and turned back around. She stared at him, wondering what was wrong. If he had been standing at the window, he would have seen her coming down off the El, and he would have known she was home. Why hadn't he come looking for her to say hello? Why hadn't he come and given her a playful kiss like he always did? She walked closer to him, staring at the back of his head. Was he mad at her?
She came up behind him and stood still, knowing that he knew she was there, but she didn't touch him, unsure of the situation. After a few moments she finally spoke.
"Doug, is something wrong?" she asked. He paused, but she could see he was forming thoughts and getting ready to speak.
"I had a patient today…" he trailed off.
"Did a child die?" she asked. He shook his head.
"No… I was helping Mark with a patient," he said. Carol waited, deciding to let him tell her what was bothering him. "We had a woman come in," he paused. "She committed suicide." Carol sucked in a breath. So that was what this was about. At the beginning of their relationship this time around, she had wondered how long it would take for this conversation to come up. Carol turned and walked a few feet to the bed. She sat down on the edge of it and faced him, waiting. "This woman, she really wanted to die. She took pills with alcohol, and then she slit her wrists. Her blood wouldn't clot, and she died," he stopped. Carol sighed, staring down at her knees, wondering how she was supposed to respond to this. She wasn't sure if she was ready to have this conversation yet. "And I just… Carol, I didn't understand then, and I still don't understand." Doug turned around quickly, and looked down at her, his eyes swirling with emotions. She looked up at him and sighed.
"Doug… I don't know if anything I can say to you will ever make you understand," she said, meeting his eyes.
"Try, please, because… Ever since it happened, there has always been this niggling in the back of my mind, especially since we got back together." He stared at her, searching her face, her eyes, hoping to just be able to read it off of her. But he couldn't. She sighed.
"Doug, sit down," she said. He did as she asked, sitting beside her on the bed. She looked down at her knees once again. "I was depressed, Doug. There's not much to it," she said. He sighed and his head drooped. He didn't say anything. She glanced over at him and sighed herself. "There was too much going on in my life. Tag was pressuring me into marrying him. I wasn't even sure if I really loved him. I thought I did, but everything was just becoming so overwhelming. And my mother… she was pressuring me to marry him, too, because she liked him. He was the big smart doctor, who played football in college," Carol paused, looking at him. He knew that was part of it, knew she was telling him the truth, but he knew there was more. When someone tried to kill his or her self, it was always more than that.
Carol could see the questions in his eyes, and she knew he would never be satisfied with just that. She reached over and took his hand into hers. He looked up at her, meeting her gaze. She squeezed his hand. "Doug, I don't want to do this to you," she whispered. He stared at her for a moment before he spoke.
"Carol, I need to hear all of this. I need to know everything, and I need to know if I hold any of the blame for what happened. This isn't about me, it's about you, but I need to know the part I played in that part of your life. I know that what you did wasn't about me, but if I directly played a part in that, I need for you to tell me. I need to make that right," he said.
"Doug, you don't need to make it right. There is nothing to fix, because I'm not broken anymore," she said. He lowered his head slightly.
"That may be so, but there will always be a part of me that will always be trying to fix it." Carol took a deep breath and knew there was nothing she could do but tell him everything about that point in her life. There was no more holding this back from him. She let go of his hand, not wanting that connection for right now. She turned around on the bed and scooted up to the top of the bed. She leaned back against the headboard and settled in. He turned around on the bed, facing her with his knees propped up in front of him and his arms folded around himself. He felt ridiculous for a minute, like they were playing Truth or Dare or something equally silly, but it didn't take him long to remember the complete seriousness of the moment. She stared off into space, not able to look at him just yet.
"When I was dating Tag, you and I… We had a, well, a very brief one-night affair," she paused. Doug watched her intently. "Tag was beginning to get really serious just then, and that's when I came to you that night." Doug nodded. "After that night, I realized everything inside of me was just… fucked up." Doug lifted his head a little, knowing she was wrong, but he remained silent. "Here I was, with this… this man in front of me, professing his love for me, vowing to love me forever. He was a good man, a doctor, and he had a good heart. He was good to me, and there I was, messing around on him." Carol finally looked at Doug. "There I was, going back to you, running back to the man who had broken my heart," Carol stopped. Doug closed his eyes, feeling the dagger straight to his heart. He nodded, knowing the truth in her words.
"I was scared of Tag, scared because he represented forever, and when I had once thought I had found forever, it had been taken away against my will. I didn't want to be so serious with a man yet. I started dating Tag just a few months after you and I broke up, and it was just way too soon. He was ready, but I wasn't," Carol paused.
"Right after you and I broke up and before I was with Tag, my mother told me a lot of things about my father," Carol paused and Doug met her gaze. He hadn't expected her to talk about her father. "When I was just a little girl, only five or so, he killed himself." Doug looked at her, shocked. He had known her father had died when she was young, but Carol had never told him how. When I was younger, I just adored him. My sisters were older, and they loved him, but I was still daddy's little girl. Everything he did was perfect to me. But I guess his life wasn't perfect for him. He adored us girls, but I guess he and my mother were having problems. Not because they didn't love each other, but because he was having financial problems. My mom had to get a job as a secretary to help pay the bills. And then my father lost his job. Back then, if you couldn't provide for your family, you were a failure. At least he thought so. I guess he looked for months and he couldn't find a job anywhere. Mama said he just got worse and worse until he couldn't handle it anymore and he took a bunch of pills," Carol paused and met Doug's gaze. Doug understood now, why she had taken pills.
"For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why Ma was so upset. When he died, I wasn't old enough to understand how or why he had died. After I broke up with you, I just asked Ma about it one day. I told her I wouldn't budge until she told me all of the details. And she did. A lot of it was hard for me to handle, but part of me felt relief. I was relieved because I wasn't just… I wasn't alone. My very own father had felt the same feelings that I was having. Then Tag came along, and things looked up for awhile. Until I realized he really wasn't fixing anything. He put the band-aid on the wound for a little while, but it came back off," Carol stopped. Doug reached over, circling her ankle with his hand. She smiled slightly, relieved to know he could still touch her.
"But everything just piled up. You, and Tag, and Mama, but I felt like I had something to hold onto. I had my dad to hold onto. He was indirectly there for me, and holding those pills in my hand, all of it just felt so right. I started collecting pills slowly from the lock-up." Doug's hand tightened on her ankle, but he loosened it quickly, not wanting her to feel his pain. Not wanting her to know how much it bruised him to know she had picked up her poison from the medicine cabinet where they worked every day. Carol watched him, recognizing some of the emotions that were running through him. She laughed a little.
"It was so easy. You'd be surprised at how easy it was, Doug," she paused, half amused at herself. "Nobody missed the pills when I took them a little at a time. I had some serious patience. I was definitely not rash about it, and I was definitely sure that it was what I wanted to do," she stopped for a minute, gathering her thoughts. "When my dad died, I was so pissed off at him, like any child would be. At that age, I felt as if he had left me because he didn't love me. After Ma explained it all, I knew he had killed himself because he loved us too much. He wanted what was best for us, and in that warped way, his way of thinking, killing himself was what was best for us. When I did it, it wasn't about doing it because I thought it was best for others, I did it because I really hated myself, Doug." She looked at him. "I did. It got to the point where I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I didn't want to fucking hurt anymore!" Carol said, her voice rising slightly. Doug tightened his grip on her ankle, feeling her words straight through him. She was remembering, and feeling the pain from those months of her life, and he was hearing for the first time, and feeling her pain and his pain together. Doug couldn't stand to be so far apart from her anymore, and he slid up the bed and sat beside her. He took her hand into his and she held on, needing it before she could go on. Carol blinked back the tears, trying not to let the wave of depression overcome her. It was in the past, and Doug was here now, beside her, with her.
"When they told me you had woken up, I thought I would kill myself," Doug said. Carol looked at him, listening intently now that she had gotten some things in the open. "When they brought you in, I would have died for you. I bargained with God, and I don't even know if he exists for me or not." Carol watched him, watching the emotions on his face. "I begged him to take me instead, because I didn't know what I would do if you died. Part of me knew I could never live with myself because I knew it was my fault, but the rest of me just couldn't survive knowing I wouldn't be able to see you again, talk to you again, or touch you again. When they said you were awake, I thought to myself, I should go see her, tell her all of this. But I knew I couldn't. You were surrounded by Tag, and I knew I wouldn't help anything. You needed to heal, away from me. I think that's why I continued doing the shit I did," Doug said. He paused. "I didn't try and stop then because I just said to myself, well, she survived, and now she's out of my life for good. I know I can't have her now, and to me, she's gone forever. Except she's alive, and I'll be able to see her, even if she's not mine. And that's all I needed, was to know you were alive and if I absolutely needed to, I could see you and even touch you," he paused. "But I didn't change then because I knew that I had to keep you away from me, and by then, I figured I had nobody else to be better for, so it didn't matter to me anymore," He paused for a few moments, rubbing his thumb over hers. She didn't' say anything, knowing he wasn't finished speaking his piece. "I don't know what I would have done with myself if you had died. Guilt would have consumed me, but so would the insane grief I would have gone through." Doug looked at her. "Carol, nobody else would have felt your loss more than I would have." Carol smiled, and lifted his hand, and kissed it.
"Believe me, I'm glad it didn't work." She sighed. "What I can't believe is that I stayed with Tag after all of that. I don't know how I was able to heal in that situation. Tag was a huge reason why I attempted to kill myself, and there I was, back in his apartment, back in his arms. I don't know how I managed not to try again." Carol looked down at their linked hands. "And it just got worse. He kept asking me to marry him… I think he thought that was what I wanted and it would solve my problem. He was working in the opposite direction. He never really knew me." Carol leaned back. "And then there was Tatiana." Doug squeezed her hand.
"When they told me I couldn't have her, I thought I would kill myself again. Nothing seemed worth it. The first time it didn't worked, but all it had gotten me was more pain and heartache. Doing it again didn't seem like such a bad idea for a while. I was with a man that I didn't really want to be with. He hadn't even wanted Tatiana, and I had just lost the little girl I had so desperately wanted. I think at the time she was something I needed for myself. I needed to fix her and myself all at once." Carol smiled ironically. "My life would be so much different now if I had her. Sometimes I wonder about her, and I grieve a little."
"You're allowed to do that. Still," he said. Carol smiled at him.
"Even back then, you understand that about me. When I came to your apartment that night… You wouldn't let me stay. Why, Doug?" she asked, simply curious.
"I had already damaged your relationship with Tag once. I thought he was what you really wanted, because you went back to him, even after the pills. Then when you and I kissed in the ER, you went back to him again. I knew that I couldn't let myself do that to Tag again, or to myself even." Doug squeezed her hand. "You have to know how badly I wanted to love you that night, make everything right for you, fix everything for you. But I couldn't do that, because I had finally realized that that was another man's job. It wasn't mine anymore, and it never really had been, because I had never earned that trust. I just didn't want to do that to any of us again." Carol nodded, looking at their bodies so close together on the bed, yet not really touching. She shrugged a bit.
"I don't know why I agreed to marry him. I mean, I was so close to doing it. I was in that wedding gown, at the church with all of our families, and I was going to go through with it. I didn't really love him, but I was going to marry him," she sighed. "I think I was going to go through with it because I felt obligated to. I felt like it was the right thing to do, and even if I didn't truly love him, I should just go along with it because it was what I deserved. He was a good man, and I would have made him happy."
"You wouldn't have been happy, Carol," Doug said. She nodded, knowing this was the truth.
"I know, and I am incredibly glad that Tag had the guts to make sure. He always knew that I wasn't really in love with him. He knew I loved him, because of what he was. He was a good man, but he was never right for me. Luckily he realized that before we made it permanent. I'll be forever grateful that he had the guts to do what I didn't have the guts to do," Carol laughed a bit. "I just wish he would have done it sooner than the actual wedding day." Doug smirked.
"Timing was never his thing, was it?" Carol laughed.
"Apparently not," she replied, still smiling. "After we ended things, I vowed that I would stay single for awhile. Learn who I was, and what I needed. I never made it my goal to constantly have a man in my life, but that's how it always worked out. I realized I needed time for me, to figure out my life," she said. She paused. "I lasted awhile, and it was nice. I was learning about myself, going for my own personal goals, and I was beginning to be happy again. There was no one to pressure me, and I could live my own life, my own way. And then Shep came along, and that was purely… coincidental. I went on that paramedic ride-along, and I liked him. He was funny, but I didn't plan on being anything more than friends. And then one night he asked me out," she laughed. "I even told him that it wasn't really a good time for me, that I was just getting over a relationship. He told me that I had been dating too many doctors. I accused him of checking up on me, but he said he had only been asking around because he was interested. He made some really bad joke about how I had been looking in the wrong direction or something like that, but it made me laugh. So I just thought, 'what the hell', you know, and I went for it. I thought maybe he was right." Carol shrugged.
"Of course, even that started off all wrong. Right after we had our first date, he did something that pissed me off. You remember that day where the guy came in and Shep chased him, and the cocaine powder got all over the ER?" Doug chuckled, and nodded his head.
"Yeah, I remember that," he said, grinning. Carol laughed and shook her head.
"Right from the start he was over-the-top. Everything about Shep was dramatic. But he made me laugh. I think I needed that after my previous relationships. Of course, even things with Shep didn't turn out right, but what can you expect, really? He had the worst temper, and after Raul, well… it all went downhill. I was on the path of relationships that never end well, so I guess it was all just part of the plan," she said, smirking. She shrugged.
"After that I finally knew that I had to be alone. I went on a few dates, but it was never really serious. I went on a few dates with Toby Minz, but before our first date, I knew it would never amount to anything, but I was just testing the waters, I guess."
"Well, that night I came to your porch, you had just gotten home from a date with Toby. If you were just testing the waters then, how come you started dating me again?" Doug asked. Carol shrugged.
"I had been noticing you were different, Doug. We had actually become friends again, not just co-workers. We actually talked to each other, and it was different. You were different. I had been watching you lately, and saw the changes. Plus, you threw me a birthday party," she said, and glanced at him. He chuckled.
"You hate it when people do that," he said.
"I know I say that… but I really felt… well, special, I guess. That night, you made me feel like I mattered to you again," she trailed off.
"You've always mattered, Carol, I just never knew how to show you that," Doug said. Carol nodded.
"I know, but… It was just different. Plus, if you haven't noticed, I have a hard time resisting your kisses," she grinned at him. He chuckled and squeezed her hand. She got serious again for a minute.
"But Doug, don't you see… my track record with men, all men, hasn't been very good. My father left me before I even could understand it, and man after man kept leaving me. You did, Tag did, and Shep did. And even before my relationships were ever serious, boys in high school and college never stuck around very long. I had no reason to trust men, but I kept going back to them, as if I needed one. And I began to hate myself. I hated myself because I had that weakness, and also because I felt as if it was me. I felt as if I was the one who was faulty, like I was broken, something was broken inside of me, but I just couldn't see it. Men could, but I couldn't," Carol stopped.
"Carol, I was the one who screwed you up for men. I started it all," Doug said.
"No, Doug, it wasn't just you. That's the thing. It started way back when I was five-years-old, and then I was already having those thoughts about myself before I even met you. When I met you, everything was instant. Before we even had our first date, you and I were rolling around on the kitchen floor together. Everything happened so quickly, and I fell in love with you that quick. And yes, I won't lie to you and say everything was fine for me. What you did to me, it took me a really long time to get over those things. And yes, it ruined pieces of me for other men. But Tag was sort of the trigger that set everything off. I don't blame him either, because all of those things were happening inside of me, and I'm the one who wanted to kill myself. And it's not like it was only men that were making me feel depressed. I was good at my job, I am good at my job, but I didn't feel like I mattered there. I have friends there, and I love them all, but I didn't feel like it mattered whether I was there or not. I felt as if things would completely keep running without me. And they would, in all honesty, if we all died, somebody else would just take our place, because that's what hospitals do. But then, I didn't understand that. And I didn't feel needed. Plus, depression isn't all about your current situation in life. I am sure there was a chemical imbalance thrown in there somewhere," Carol stopped and sighed.
"I'm exhausted," she murmured and closed her eyes. Doug looked at her, watched her, and realized that there was no other woman on this earth for him. He couldn't tell her that right now, or even tell her that he loved her. She had too much on her right now. And he had to wait until she was ready for him to say it, anyway. But he watched her, and knew that he would still die for her. He would have died for that woman years ago who had been so broken, and he would die for the strong woman she had become. He brought her hand to his lips.
"Carol?" he asked. She opened her eyes and looked at him. "Thank you," he said. "I needed you to tell me all of that, I needed to know. I'm sorry for everything I have ever done to you," he said, but she cut him off.
"Doug, don't do that, okay? We're in a new relationship, and we're both different people now. I don't know if this will work, but I don't want to worry about the past anymore. I don't need that between us," she said. He nodded.
"Okay. We won't talk about it much, okay? And we'll do this, Carol, we'll make this work this time," he said. She watched him, wanting so much to believe him. Finally she nodded. He bent his head, taking her chin in his fingers. He kissed her gently, wanting to tell her so badly that he loved her. But he didn't. He waited for another rainy day when she would be able to give him her heart again.
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I realized that if this conversation had really happened that things would have been different in Seasons 4 and 5. But this is fiction, and we're going to go with it. I kept everything as close to the real story as I could with Season 3 and below, but anything after that is all up in the air. I hope you enjoyed it, because I know I really liked writing it. It's different, and that is what I needed to actually spit this story out. Have fun!
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