January 19th-February 1st, 2002
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This may be an extremely emotional fic, depending on how drawn into the storyline you are, I suppose. It's a sad one.
George and Julianna aren't married but they are dating and have been for a few years. I'd say this takes place like after ER. I don't want to have to deal with that.
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Julianna sat on the window seat of the brand new nursery room in her and George's house. She clutched the tiny teddy bear in her hand as she stared out the window, not really seeing anything that was out there. Everything she saw was playing in her head, over and over, like a bad horror film, or at least the worst horror film that Julianna thought she had ever seen. And the most horrible thing about it was that the movie was her life, returning to haunt her.
Julianna pulled her eyes away from the window and turned to look down at the tiny teddy bear in her hand. She remembered the day George had bought it. It was just the day after she had told him she was pregnant when he had returned home, so excited about the stuffed toy he had gotten for the baby. She had laughed at him then, saying they had many months to go before they baby would be here. Little had Julianna known then, that the time before the baby would come would be cut short.
**FLASHBACK**
Julianna remembered when she had gone into labor, two months early. She and George had panicked and went straight to the hospital. They had tried to stop the delivery but the baby had been coming too fast.
"What's going on?" Julianna asked George as he clutched her hand.
"The baby is coming too early." The doctor answered instead.
"Can't you stop it?" Julianna asked.
"We tried. This baby is coming now." Dr. McKinnon had replied.
"But it can't. It's too early!" Julianna had exclaimed.
"I know but we can't do anything about it. You're already fully dilated. The contractions are coming fast. This baby is coming now!" Dr. McKinnon had announced. Julianna and George had turned to stare at each other, scared to death.
"George.." Julianna had whispered. He smiled weakly and kissed the back of her hand.
"It's going to be alright." He had replied reassuringly.
Julianna had drawn strength from George that day, using all that she could to push that baby out as quickly as she could. She had wanted him or her to be able to get help as soon as they could. But something had gone wrong. Totally and completely wrong.
Julianna still remembered that when the baby's head had come out the look on the doctor's face had been one of total devastation. She had almost stopped pushing then, scared to death of the look, but the pain was unbearable. She then remembered looking up at George's face and seeing that he had become dead white. Then she pushed her son all the way out and into the doctor's arms. His little face and lips had been blue. His eyes had been closed and he had never made a sound.
The umbilical cord had been wrapped around his tiny neck.
She had never got to hear her son's cry.
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Julianna hadn't realized tears were streaming down her face and that she was now sobbing. She buried her face into the softness of the teddy bear and let the tears fall and the sobs come until she was completely and totally empty.
She looked down at the now soaked teddy bear and let out a little sigh. Her son would never get to see the teddy bear his father had bought for him. He would never get to see the nursery that George and Julianna had spent hours of precious time doing. He would never get to play. Never get dirty. Never get hurt. Never fall in love. Never have his own children to love. Never.
Julianna slowly rose, feeling so numb. She knew what she had to do.
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Minutes later, Julianna sat in the bathroom, on the edge of the toilet, looking at the bottles of pills she had placed on the counter. There was pills of every shape, size, color, prescription.
She knew people would miss her. She was loved and she loved in return. She knew George would miss her most. She didn't want to hurt him by doing this but she felt she knew what needed to be done. She had killed their son and no matter what she would ever do, she could never get over that.
Tears began to trickle out of her eyes once more, though she had thought she was empty of them. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she was crying out for George, her soul was hesitating.
"George." The word tumbled out of her trembling lips and she pressed them together, wishing he was here to save her from this deep dark pit she had fallen into.
This was the first time he had left her alone since the baby had been stillborn a week ago. Earlier that day she had calmly told him that she would be alright, but that if he didn't go to the meeting with his agent then he'd be in trouble. He had an obligation. After some hesitation, a night's sleep, and major thought George had decided to leave her by herself. He was worried about her, didn't want to be away from her side, but he knew he had to go to this meeting. It was important and Julianna had insisted that she would be alright.
If he had only known what she planned to do. Slowly Julianna reached out for the first bottle of open pills.
<..<..<..<..<..<..<
George pulled into the garage, his heart pounding in his chest. The meeting had gone well but as soon as he had turned onto their street, George had gotten a sick feeling in his gut. The closer he got to the house, the more nauseous he had felt. He was a bit dizzy and his head thumped with every beat of his heart. He screeched the car to a halt in the garage and jumped out of the car, racing into the kitchen. He tore through the living room and when he didn't see Julianna, he dashed up the stairs. He pushed open the door of the nursery and didn't see her. He raced to their bedroom and saw the closed door leading to the bathroom. He ran to it and pulled it open.
Julianna was lying sprawled on the floor, sobbing her heart out. George saw all open bottles of pills and his heart pitched in his chest.
"Sweet Jesus." He muttered. He thought he might empty his stomach now. Julianna looked up at him when she heard the sound of his voice.
"George." She whispered. He dropped to his knees and grabbed her shoulders in his hands.
"What are you doing? How many did you take?" He asked and shook her. She sobbed. "How many?" He asked frantically. She shook her head and gulped for air. "Julianna." He whispered desperately. Tears were clawing at his own throat. "Please, tell me. How many have you taken?"
"I couldn't." She said hoarsely and shut her eyes. "I couldn't do it."
"You didn't take any?" He asked. She shook her head and relief spilled through him. He gathered her up, cradling her tightly in his lap and rocking her.
"Oh God, oh God." He whispered, closing his eyes tight, stroking her hair and pressing his cheek against her forehead. She clung to him, sobbing into his shoulder. Her arms tightened around him and she dug her fingertips into his back. He stayed there for mere moments before he managed to get to his knees. He somehow managed to get them out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, away from the mess of the pills. He slumped against the wall outside the bathroom and gathered her close to him. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, crushing her against his chest as she sobbed. "You scared me." He said and pulled her face away with one hand. Tears continued to spill down her cheeks but he kissed her all over her face quickly.
"I'm sorry." She moaned.
"Shh..Shh.." He whispered and pressed his mouth to hers once in a desperate kiss. "What were you thinking?" He asked without scolding. "God, Jules." He pressed his forehead to hers. "Don't you dare try to leave me. Ever." He said. "Think of how sad you are about the baby. Multiple that by five and you'll understand how hard it would be for me to live without you." She clung to his chest, so he brought his hands up to her face and cradled her cheeks in them. "I love you, I love you." He said. He paused a moment. "Look at me, Jules." She looked up at him, her eyes puffy with the tears that were still coming. "I know you feel pain. I feel it too. But killing yourself is not the answer. I need you. Without you, I would never survive. If you kill yourself, you're killing my heart and soul. If you kill yourself, you'll be killing me too."
"George." She sobbed, her breath hitching.
"Okay. Shh. Don't talk. It's okay." He said and wrapped his arms back around her, pulling her close.
He simply sat and held her, his heart pounding in his chest at the thought of what he had almost lost.
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He sat with her on the floor for nearly an hour. She had become silent nearly thirty minutes before, but he had been unable to let go of her. He gently stroked a hand across her hair and looked down at her face. She was cradled against him, her eyes closed, and her breathing was even. He knew she was asleep.
He stood slowly, trying to be careful and quiet. He picked her up and lay her gently in the bed. She didn't move or make a sound as he covered her slowly with the blankets. He looked at her for a minute or so before he turned and ran quickly down the stairs. He grabbed a garbage bag before he dashed back up the stairs. She was lying exactly where he had left her. He sighed in relief, as if she could have actually taken the pills in the little time it had taken him to go down and back up. He made his way into the bathroom quietly, keeping his ears perked for a sound from her.
As he worked, he continuously checked on her, to make sure she was still asleep. It took him only a few minutes to dump every single pill and bottle into the bag. He tied it in a tight knot and walked into the bedroom. She still lay quietly and so he went quickly downstairs to dispose of the bag.
<.<.<.<.<.<.<
Julianna awoke alone, lying on the bed. Sudden panic overwhelmed her. Where was George? Why did he leave her alone? She couldn't even trust herself alone, so how could he? Where was he? Was this a nightmare? Did he leave her too?
"George?" She called out once, hoarsely, and didn't get a reply. Oh God, oh God. She told herself to relax and she took a deep breath of air. "George?" She tried again.
He bound up the steps and heard her calling out his name. He ran into the room and looked down at her. She sighed in relief and all the energy drained out of her body. She slid limply into the pillows.
"I'm here, baby, I'm here." He reassured her and crawled into the bed beside her. He wrapped his arms around her and breathed her in. "I'm here." He paused. "Always." He whispered. She turned her face into his chest.
"I thought you had left me too." She said. He rubbed her hair gently as his heart ached for her, wishing he could take all of her pain away.
"I never will." He murmured. She stayed silent, lying quietly in his arms.
"George?" She whispered.
"Yea?" He whispered in an equally quiet voice.
"Thank you for saving me." She said, shame filling her voice. He looked down at her.
"Anytime." He said with a soft smile before he placed a gentle kiss on her cheek. She sighed a bit. They lay there quietly for a few minutes before George gathered up the courage to speak to Julianna about what had been on his mind all week. "Jules?" He murmured quietly, half hoping she wouldn't hear him at all.
"Hm?" She murmured in reply, despite his half-hearted silent wishes.
"Uhm, I've been thinking." He said. She didn't say anything, knowing that he would continue on. "It's about the baby." He looked down at her. "If you don't want me to talk about it right now, I won't. Just say so and it's done." He said quickly, not wanting to upset her.
"I can't run from it forever." She murmured. "Even though I'm not sure that I want to hear this, go ahead."
"Are you sure?" He asked. She nodded. He turned on his side so he could face her. He touched her cheek gently, trailing his fingers over it. "I know that..I know that our baby died." He saw the quick flash of pain in her face and he didn't want her to cry, so he hurried on. "But still, he was our child and he was alive for seven months inside of you. We made him and he was ours." George paused for just a second. "So no matter what happened, he deserves to be named." George stopped, to wait for her reaction. As soon as he finished, she closed her eyes. George waited silently, wondering what was going on inside her head. Then he watched as a tear slipped from the corner of her eye and dripped down her face. "Oh, Jules." He said and enveloped her in his arms. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you like this. I'm sorry." He said. She cuddled with him for just a moment before she pulled away and shook her head. She sniffled before wiping her hand across her nose.
"No, I'm sorry. Sorry." She repeated. "I just...I can't help it. But you're right. I know our baby needs a name. It wouldn't be right if we didn't name him." She said. "But then we'll need to fix his headstone." She said and let out a small sob before covering her mouth with her hand.
"Okay, okay. Shhhh...Let's not worry about it for now." George said and cupped her head in his hands. She sighed and swallowed before opening her watery eyes and looking at him.
"No, we need to talk about it...now." She said then sighed again. "I just...It's hard." She took a deep, shuddering breath.
"Didn't we already agree on this?" She asked. He nodded.
"But if you want to change it, I'm all for it." He said. She shook her head.
"I love the name Andrew. I always have." She replied.
"Than that is what it will be. Same middle name?" George asked.
"As long as you still like Paul." Julianna said.
"It's your father's name, so of course I think it's a good middle name for our son." He said. She nodded and wiped her nose against the back of her hand again.
"Okay." She let out a little sigh. "Andrew Paul." She said and smiled a bit. "Our son." George smiled sadly.
"He'll always be our baby, no matter where he is." George said. Julianna nodded.
"I know." She let out a little sigh and grinned a bit. "Thank you."
"For what?" He asked as he stroked her cheek.
"For snapping me out of it. I wouldn't want him to go on without a name." Julianna said. He nodded.
"Well, for that then, you're welcome."
"And there's something else." She said.
"What's that?"
"Thank you for being the most wonderful man I've ever known. The most wonderful boyfriend." She said. He chuckled.
"Anything for you, and you know it." He said and wrapped his arms around her to pull her close to him. She nodded.
"I know. So thank you." He smiled and kissed her gently.
"Anytime."
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Three weeks later Julianna was doing much better. She still cried every night before she fell asleep, for the son that wasn't, but she didn't cry every time she thought of him, which was often. She was moving on a bit. Her family had visited and offered solace, the press had moved on to something else finally, and George was still the same loving man who had helped her through it all. He had even decided to leave her home for a few minutes by herself every now and then since last week, even though she could tell he was relieved when he came home to find her alive and not lying on the bathroom floor. She just tried not to think of what her life would be like if her son was still alive, or even still growing inside of her like he should be.
Julianna was sitting on the couch, home alone and watching television. Her hair was ratty, she was in her pajamas, and she had no make-up on. She hadn't been out all day and she had decided to be lazy. George was out getting some groceries, but Julianna thought it was taking him an awful long time to get some food.
Minutes later she heard the key in the lock and turned to watch him come in the door with a few packages. He smiled at her and she didn't miss the relief she saw in his face, even though it pained her every time she saw it, knowing she had caused him to be afraid she would do something.
He closed the door behind him. "Are those the only groceries you got?" She asked. He nodded.
"Yeah, why?" He asked as he headed to the kitchen.
"Just seems like you got very little groceries for the amount of time you were gone." She said. He chuckled but continued into the kitchen. She waited patiently for him to come back out.
"It took me a long time to decide which brand of orange juice to get." He said. She smiled.
"Ha." She said. He took a sit beside her and swallowed, suddenly nervous.
"Actually, I had something else to do." He said.
"Oh?" She asked and lifted an eyebrow, aware of how nervous he had quickly become. "And may I ask what that might have been?" She asked. He shook his head.
"Not yet. First I need to talk to you." He said.
"Okay." She said slowly, wondering what was on his mind. He paused and looked down, swallowing again.
"Well, I.." He paused and looked up, meeting her gaze. She smiled slightly.
"George, just spit it out, I promise not to bite." She said.
"I hope not." He chuckled, relieved of his tension for just a moment before he got serious again. "Anyway," He met her gaze, "I've been realizing things lately, you know, since the baby...died." She looked down for just a moment. She hated that word, hated it. Julianna raised her head to meet his gaze again and she could see the apology in it before he continued on. "I've re-evaluated my life a bit, realized what is truly important with me." He paused. "And of course, you're at the top of the list, although you were before, but, what I mean to say is that I know now how much you truly mean to me and how much Andrew meant..means to me, now that certain things have happened." He paused, knowing he wasn't saying any of this very well, but he was so nervous. "And I've come to the conclusion that everything that used to take up a lot of my time in the past, means not nearly as much to me as I thought it did. Work is good, I love it and I'm at a good time in my career, but it's not nearly enough to make me happy. It's just one of those things I do, you know?" He paused. "I know I've been spending most of my time with you this past month, well, even these past 8 months, really, but I want to promise you that in the future I will have more time for us because in reality, you're the most important thing to me, ever." Julianna was watching him with wet, shining eyes. She knew how he felt, but hearing him say some of these things was an amazing thing for her to hear. George never revealed these feelings to her, even if he knew she would be thrilled.
"Anyway, there's a point to all of this." George said. He reached out and took her hands into his. "I love you, more than anything. More than work, more than anyone, more than life." He took a deep breath and she finally caught on to what he was going to do and she gasped just a bit. Not now! She thought in a bit of a panic. She had no make-up on. She was in her pajamas. She hadn't brushed her since she had gotten up that morning. Oh no! She thought.
"George.." She murmured. He sensed her hesitation and felt himself balking. Oh God! He thought. Did she not want him to ask? Did she not want to say no? Would she refuse him? He began to panic, but he knew he had to ask her, no matter what. He had to know now, or he'd never get the guts to ask her again.
"Will you marry me, Jules?" He asked, nearly blurting it out. He saw the tears falling from her eyes and he began thinking about getting out of the room.
"George..I.." She was at a loss.
"If you don't want to, that's okay, just say so and I won't bring it up again." He said in a rush, his palms sweating.
"No, George.." He dropped her hands like they were suddenly burning him. He began to stand but she grabbed at him. "Wait, George, I meant.." She giggled a bit. "I mean yes, yes I'll marry you." She laughed a bit, sort of panicking herself. "But I mean...Oh.." She laughed some more. "How can you ask me now? When I've not showered since yesterday and I'm all ratty and without my make-up and..and everything." He sat back on the couch and took her beautiful face into his hands, no longer worried since she had said she would marry him.
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm ugly!" She exclaimed. He laughed.
"No you're not." He said. She shook her hands.
"Yes, I mean..I am now. I'm gross and here you are proposing and everything and I'm not prepared." She said. He grinned.
"You're not supposed to be. What fun would that be?" He asked.
"But George..I don't have any of my..my tools, my weapons!" She exclaimed.
"Do you mean your make-up?" He asked. She nodded. He grinned and kissed her.
"You don't need it. You're beautiful without it. I love you without your make-up. It's natural. Even if you were the ugliest woman on the earth I'd still love you, but you're not, so what are you worried about? I don't want to marry Julianna Margulies the Hollywood star, I want to marry Jules, my amazing and wonderful best friend, my girlfriend, the mother of my child." He said and kissed her again, still grinning. "I love you more and more every second." He chuckled. "Will you marry me, Julianna Margulies, my beautiful-without-make-up sweetheart?" He asked. She laughed.
"Yes, yes, yes! I'll definitely marry you, George!" She exclaimed and threw her arms around his shoulders. He chuckled and held her close.
"Good." He paused. "Boy, did you have me worried there for a minute." She laughed and brought her head back to kiss him.
"Sorry." She said and kissed him again. He chuckled as he squeezed her tightly against him.
"Keeps me on my toes."
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Two weeks later, George and Julianna sat holding hands in a private waiting room at Julianna's doctor's office. They were in for the six week check-up that every woman is supposed to have after she gives birth. The only thing was most of those woman brought their babies to be checked on also. Just that thought made Julianna want to run home and crawl under the covers of her bed and never come out. The only thing keeping her there was George's warm, comforting presence.
Minutes later the nurse called them in to the office, smiling sympathetically at them. Julianna avoided her gaze, not wanting her pity and her sorrow.
"The doctor will be in in just a moment. Please change into this gown." The nurse said and motioned towards a nearly see-through excuse for a gown. Julianna sighed as the nurse left the room.
"Did you see the way she was looking at us?" Julianna asked. George nodded a bit. "Stupid bit-" Julianna stopped herself. "I don't want their pity." She said turned to him, tears burning furiously in her eyes.
"I know you don't, babe. It's okay. C'mon, let's get you dressed. The doctor will be in shortly." He said. She clenched her fists.
"We shouldn't have come." She said.
"You need to be checked..Make sure everything is alright." He said.
"I'm fine." She snapped. He smiled.
"I believe you are." He said patiently. Suddenly her face crumpled.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be treating you like this. It's not your fault they are doing it." She said. He nodded.
"It's okay, darling, I understand. Yell at me if it helps." He said. She shook her head.
"It doesn't." She said and rested her forehead against his shoulder. He rubbed her arms.
"I know. C'mon, let's get dressed." He said. She sighed and backed away to change quickly. Once she was in the gown, she stood shivering in her socked feet. He moved to her and wrapped his arms around her, trying to warm her up physically and trying to warm her soul, knowing she hated being here without having a baby like all the other women. She burrowed into him, trying to pretend she was elsewhere instead of in this cold, unfriendly room.
Suddenly there was a quiet knock on the door.
"Come in." George said. The door opened and a blonde-haired woman stepped in and smiled.
"Hello." She said, nothing in her showing pity. Julianna relaxed a bit. Apparently she had experience or at least some sense.
"Hi." Julianna replied quietly.
"How have you been?" Dr. Cavanagh asked as she looked over the chart for a moment.
"Fine." Julianna replied. Dr. Cavanagh smiled at George.
"And you?" She asked. He nodded.
"Good." He said. Dr. Cavanagh placed the chart on the counter and turned.
"Now a lot of the time women come in here without their husbands, boyfriends, whatever, and so I've learned from experience," She smiled, "to ask the women if they feel comfortable with them in the room while they get their check-up. So, in this case, I have to ask if you'd like him to stay." Dr. Cavanagh said, motioning to George. Julianna looked quickly at George.
"I want him to stay, please." Julianna said.
"Sure." Dr. Cavanagh smiled. "It's not a problem. Okay, are you ready?" She asked. Julianna nodded meekly.
"Okay, climb up here onto the bed." Dr. Cavanagh said, motioning toward the gurney type thing. Julianna slowly climbed up and immediately reached for George's hand. He brought a stool to her side and sat on it, taking her hand into his own and warming it in his. "Put your feet up in the stirrups." Dr. Cavanagh said quietly as she put on some rubber doctor gloves. Julianna turned to George and he smiled and bent down to kiss her gently. He stroked his free hand over her hair, trying to calm her.
"Okay, I'm going to start now." Dr. Cavanagh said and Julianna felt her fingers and she winced a bit, always having hated these exams and knowing she would always hate them more from now on because it would always remind her of her son. George tried his best to distract her because he knew how painful it was for her emotionally. He knew she was hating everything about this entire visit.
Finally Dr. Cavanagh was finished. She rolled her stool back and smiled kindly.
"You may put your legs down." Dr. Cavanagh said. Julianna immediately did as she was told, hating to have her legs in the air like that. She curled them under her and looked up at the doctor. "Everything checks out. You're looking good." She smiled. "Everything's back to normal."
"Thank you." Julianna said quietly. Dr. Cavanagh pitched the gloves into the trash can but stayed seated. "It's safe for you to start having intercourse again. Would you like me to prescribe some birth control pills?" Julianna quickly shook her head, panicking at the thought. Dr. Cavanagh nodded, sensing her feelings about the issue, so she continued on. "Also, if there is anything else you need to discuss, any questions I can answer, I'm here." Dr. Cavanagh said. Julianna shook her head again, dying to get out of there. "Okay, then, is there anyone you need to see besides me? A counselor, maybe, if you're not already seeing one."
"No, thank you. We have it covered." Julianna said and left it at that. She was not seeing a shrink and she refused to. She didn't need someone else to tell her she was grieving.
"Alright then." Dr. Cavanagh stood. "You can just get dressed and go to the counter to check out." She turned toward the door but just before she left, she turned, her hand on the door knob and spoke. "I'm sorry for your loss." She said. Julianna stared at her numbly while George nodded his head.
"Thank you." He replied. She nodded a bit and walked out to leave them alone. Julianna immediately stood and quickly changed back into her clothes. She hated those stupid gowns and everything else about this room.
"Can we go?" She asked. He nodded.
"Here are the keys, you go sit in the car. I'll get everything else taken care of." He said. She nodded in great relief as they walked out of the room.
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On the ride home, Julianna was absolutely silent as she stared out the windshield. George continuously looked at her, wondering what she was thinking, wishing he could reach her.
"Jules?" He finally said. She looked at him. "Are you okay?" He asked. She didn't reply. "I know that it's tough on you. It's hard for me too. You can talk to me." He said.
"I know." She said and tried to smile, although it was unsuccessful and they both knew it.
<.<.<.<.<.<.<
They walked into the house together. "I think I am going to go take a nap." Julianna said.
"Why?" He asked.
"I'm exhausted." She said. He sighed and watched her walk a few steps before he grabbed her wrists.
"Wait." He said. She turned to him, seriously ready to drop.
"George, please.." She said. He shook his head.
"I'm not going to let you curl up into yourself. Talk to me. If you need to scream at me, scream. If you need to hurt something, punch me. If you need to cry, I have two big shoulders. If you want ice cream and a chat, I like Rocky Road. But you are not going to go upstairs and sleep this away while I sit down here and worry about you." He said.
"Well then come upstairs and worry about me." She said.
"Jules." He said. She sighed and bowed her head.
"What do you want me to say? To do? My baby died six weeks ago. I just got my check-up, saying I am A-O-Fucking-K, yet my son is lying in a tiny, cold coffin in the middle of millions of other graves. He should still be in my stomach. Or even in my arms. But instead he's dead!" She yelled without even realizing. George let her scream, knowing she needed it. "He's gone because of me!"
"No, he's not." George said calmly.
"My body rejected him, he got tangled up in his cord inside of me! He died in my body, George. And I couldn't even help him. I couldn't push him out fast enough! I couldn't hold him inside me for two more months!" She sobbed now. "I should have done something, don't you see?" She cried. "I should have stayed in bed that morning. Or should have been on bed rest for awhile. Don't you see?" She said and beat on his chest with her fist.
"You could never have known that was going to happen. Not even the doctor's could have known." George said.
"I'm his mother! I should have felt it somehow! I should have known." She sobbed now, both of her fists resting on his chest.
"You didn't do it. Andrew wanted out of there. He just got tangled up. Not because of you, not because of him. It just happened!"
"Why? Why? Why, why, why? Whywhywhywhy?" Julianna shouted, sobbing and crying all at once. She hit George repeatedly in the chest. "Why him? Why me? Why my baby?" She asked and then crumpled. George caught her on the way down. He sat on the floor and cradled her in his lap as the sobs overcame her. She clutched to him, soaking his shirt with her tears and breaking his heart with her sobs.
She continued crying for nearly a half hour until exhaustion swept over her and she could cry no more. George picked her up off the floor and carried her up to the bedroom. He slid under the covers with her and cuddled her as close as he could, trying to shadow her from everything else. He didn't want her to think. He knew she needed sleep now. She needed to refresh herself.
"I love you, Jules." He murmured. She reached for one of his hands and held it against her chest, clasped between her hands.
"I love you." She paused. "Thank you." She whispered and rested her head against his chest before she slowly drifted off to sleep. He lay watching her for hours as she slept through the sorrow and the pain they were experiencing.
>.>.>.>.>.>.>
A week later, George was becoming frustrated. He loved Julianna and he would wait forever before he made love to her again, if that was what she wanted. But he missed making love to her. He missed being able to hold her that way. He missed being to touch her, to make her cry out for him. He missed being able to hold her in the aftermath and know she was his forever. He missed all of that. So he decided to tell her.
"Jules?" George asked that night, coming up to where she was sitting on the couch. She looked up at him, already sensing what was coming.
"Yeah?" She replied as he took a sit beside her.
"We need to talk." He said. She sighed, not yet ready for this conversation.
"What about?" She asked, hoping that maybe he wouldn't say it.
"Us." He paused as she stared at him. "Dr. Cavanagh told us that we could have sex again." George said.
"And?" Julianna asked, trying to avoid it. George stared at her for a moment.
"And I want to have sex again." He said. She sighed and looked away from him.
"I'm not ready." She said. He nodded.
"Okay. I'll deal with that then, but I think I'm entitled to a why not." He said.
"Really there are two reasons." She said. He nodded once more.
"Okay. They are?" He asked. She shrugged her shoulders.
"I don't want to risk getting pregnant again." She said as she turned her face toward him again. She peered into his eyes. "I don't want anymore children."
"What?" He asked. "Why not?"
"I can't do that to Andrew."
"Do what?" George asked incredulously. He was confused.
"I don't want to betray him by having other kids. It would be like I forgot him." Julianna said.
"No it wouldn't." George said.
"To me, it would." She replied. George sighed.
"So basically you are saying that if a mother has two children, she is betraying the eldest one by having another?"
"No, that's different." Julianna said.
"How? That basically means she should have forgotten about it. That's what you were saying."
"But they were a normal presence in her life. Andrew would not be." Julianna argued.
"Okay, then, so are you saying that if that mother has two children and the oldest one dies, she can no longer take care of the younger one because it would be like betraying her other child?"
"No..That's not what I mean." Julianna said, struggling to clear her thoughts and make sense of them so she could tell him what she meant. He shrugged his shoulders.
"Then I don't understand what you do mean. You wouldn't be betraying Andrew if you had another baby. You'd never forget him, whether he was dead or alive." George said. Julianna turned her head.
"It's out of the question. I can't have another child." She said. He sighed. He'd let her think that for now, but he knew he would eventually talk to her about it someday. Right now he wasn't ready for another child yet either, so he'd talk to her about it when it was a better time.
"Fine. What's the second reason?" George asked. She sighed and turned to look at him again.
"I love you and I love what you can do to me." She glanced away from him for a moment. "But I can't let you touch me, I can't let you near me...there." She said. He immediately understood where 'there' was.
"Why?" He asked.
"I feel so dirty and that makes me feel ashamed. I'm disgusted and ashamed of my body and I don't want you to be either." She said.
"I would never feel that way." He argued and reached for her hand. She smiled a bit, but there was no happiness in that curving of her lips.
"Maybe, maybe not. But I would. I'll always feel dirty and..." She paused. "In a way, I'd feel like I was betraying Andrew."
"Why?" George asked.
"He died inside of me. He died in my...He died there. I don't think I can receive....pleasure from what you can give me because I'd feel so guilty. And every time we made love, I'd think of Andrew and it would be sad, not special like it should be. I can't receive pleasure from an area of such pain." Julianna said.
"You're not making any sense." George said. Julianna looked up at him.
"Why not?"
"When we make love, it's special, no matter what. Our baby died. It has nothing to do with the location. If it hurts so much to think of where he died, does that mean it is hard to be in Los Angeles? In California? In the United States? In the world?" He asked.
"That's different. Completely. He died in my body, inside me. I can't use his grave, so to speak, for my own pleasure." Julianna said.
"You're not his grave. You're his mother. Think of it this way. If Andrew was old enough to understand, old enough to know what you were going through, don't you think that he would want his mother to have whatever happiness or pleasure that she can? That is what you would want for him, isn't it? So shouldn't he want it for you?" George asked.
"But he's not old enough and it's because of me that he isn't. It's because of my...my uterus or whatever you want to call it. I can't make love to you because it would make me feel horrible."
"You're making his death seem disgusting." George said. Julianna cried out for a moment, amazed that he could, that he would ever say such a thing, especially to her. She stood from the couch and stared down at him.
"How could you say that?" She asked, tears forming in her eyes. Then she turned and walked away from him. George sighed and watched her go, thinking about going after her, but deciding that they both needed some time to think about things.
<.<.<.<.<.<.<
Later that night, Julianna lay in bed in a spare room, staring up at the ceiling. She hadn't spoken a word to George since he had said what he had said to her, but throughout the day, his comment had grated on her, making her feel horrible for how she was making her son's death seem.
And now she knew she was being ridiculous about the whole situation. Just because her son died, didn't mean she had to stop living her life. Or stop loving those whom she loved besides Andrew. She knew George had been patient. Seven weeks was a long time. She even felt it. She wanted him just as badly as he wanted her, but she was frightened of what he would think of her or what she would think of herself after they made love. She didn't want to tarnish their love that way. But she knew that she would have to make love to him soon because it was wrong of her not to and she wanted him too badly.
Minutes later, just as she was making up her mind to go to him now, she heard his footsteps. She waited quietly, lying in the dark. His footsteps stopped and she could make out his figure in the doorway.
"Jules? You awake?" He murmured.
"Yeah." She replied. He walked into the room.
"Can we talk?" He asked.
"No." She said. He stopped on his way to the bed. "I don't want to talk." She said and sat up in the bed, motioning to him with her hand. He quickly caught her drift.
"Jules, are you sure?" He asked, still standing still where he had stopped.
"Yes, George. Please. Come to bed." She said. He shook his head.
"No, you come to bed." He said and bent over her, scooping her into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he carried her back to their room. He walked into their bedroom and gently lay her on the bed. Then he turned to the nightstand and she watched as he rustled around before coming up with a condom. He placed it on the nightstand to make sure she had seen him before he looked back at her. She met his gaze, relief biting through her. She had been scared he wouldn't use anything and therefore she would get pregnant. But he knew her well enough to show her that he would be careful because he knew she wasn't ready.
"Okay?" He asked. She nodded her agreement and reached out for him. He slid onto the bed with her and kissed her gently. "I promise you won't regret this. I promise you won't feel ashamed after this happens." He said and reached down, taking her left hand into his. He kissed her ring finger gently, where her engagement ring sat. "I love you." He said. She smiled and reached up to touch his face with her free hand.
"I know. I love you, too, George." She said. He smiled and bent his head to kiss her again.
>.>.>.>.>.>.>
George gathered Julianna into his arms and held her close to him, his heart still pounding from their lovemaking.
"Do you regret it?" He asked a bit nervously. She shook her head.
"No." She stretched against him luxuriously. "I feel better." She said and looked up at him. "Thank you." She said. He chuckled.
"Any time." He said. She nestled her head into his chest.
"I'm sorry about the way I reacted. I should have known that nothing could ruin this for us." She said.
"That's okay. I'm just glad you let me show you it would be okay." He said. She grinned and looked up at him.
"More than okay." She said and giggled. "George?"
"Hm?"
"Do we have anymore condoms?" She asked. He laughed and nuzzled her neck.
"I'm sure we can come up with one." He said. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed him.
"Good." She replied and felt him chuckle beneath her.
<.<.<.<.<.<.<